From the age of 16 on, I think that every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning, I have seen the same Snapchat story unfold from a college girl’s prior night out and about. A night that often began far earlier than 50 Cent serenading her ears on a shitty SoundCloud remix as she applies $11 of Sephora on her face. The following is a timeline of the Snapchat story the average girl’s friendslist sees, which began on a sketchy Chinese website and ended with her losing her credit card as pizza grease dribbled down her new top.
Six months prior (if she’s an underclassman): “Anyone want to get in on a new fake order?!?” She was texted in her group chat appropriately named “SigChi Slutzz😫😫😫.” She lost one while visiting her friend at her state’s school and knew that this last one was one formal away from being snatched at the hands of a man who very much did not enjoy her insistence that he should allow her to get multiple drinks at a time “because this line is crazyyyyy long.”
4:27 pm: “Oh my god, my liver is literally begging me to stay in tonight. How much coke do you think we need for tonight?! I’m gonna get my little sooo drunk,” her best friend uttered to her in the final class of the day. She was already planning her outfit in her imagination, and jotting down Instagram captions with the focus of Eminem on the back of the bus in 8 Mile.
5:56: With 2 grams of Central America’s finest in purse and 2 handles of Tito’s in trunk, it was time to nap and get some beauty sleep before a night of overworking her kidneys like LeBron on the 2016 playoff Cavs.
8:03: The girls are all ready, and their littles come through. This is usually the first Snapchat on our timeline. The sorority little will then work every angle, every filter, and all available lighting she can to make sure her biggie and company have the best looking picture possible. She is no longer Katie; she is now a thotty photography artist. The world NEEDS to know how hot her friends are.
8:09: This is where we get our second photo on tonight’s timeline. “Cutest little” or the classic, “OMG my babies.” During this picture, I have noticed there will always be a freshman or two wearing cheetah print of some kind. (I am very confused of this phenomenon of freshman girls wearing cheetah print, and they look like a petting zoo rather than a Zeta pledge class when they pop out of an Uber, but maybe that’s just me)
9:14: Alcohol in veins, they are ready for some testosterone in their lives. This is where we get the classic photo where her wearing something unusual she stole from a guy. If you go to school down south, this is almost always a cowboy hat, but it could be almost anything. There is nothing that makes a girl happier than trying on your cowboy hat for two minutes, getting a picture she thinks will be hilarious, and posting it for the world to see.
10:17: I like to call this one “I’m going to put a camera in this kid’s face.” 99% of the time, if a girl puts a flash camera in your face, she either wants to get with you, or you are DOWN BAAAAD in the friend zone.
10:51: A 2008 Red Toyota Sienna has pulled up, courtesy of one of its horny male passengers. This is where Snapchat magic/tragedy begins. After being informed of the lack of auxiliary utilities, the drunkest girl is ready to STORM the castle. She is in a full-fledge drunken speech and orally notes that she will be giving Viktor, a 49-year-old war veteran discharged involuntarily, 2 stars max. Little does she know what Viktor has anger management, and the Snapchat audience will witness this fight between Viktor and Drunk Girl #5 amidst the caption “Our uber hates us😂 #viktorisadick”
11:23: A brief video of her and a girl she’s only friends with when she gets drunk taking a shot. Nothing noteworthy.
12:43: This one is for the bitches back in high school that doubted her. A picturesque view of a packed bar and she’s in it among the crowd. She’s singing, everyone’s happy. And even though the audience on Snapchat will hate her awful voice, she has no cares for how cringy she may sound; that is a tomorrow problem.
2:03: Drunk Girl #5 from before, she has quite literally been in and out of passing out on her piece of pizza. All the other girls are still up, and two gentlemen are featured in the finale who are already thinking of baseball statistics to last longer and, by the grace of God, allow someone’s daughter an orgasm. Drunk Girl #5 will hate this in the morning, but it’s a perfect end to our coming of age movie.