I’ll warn you right now that this isn’t going to be a list of cures to diseases or anything like that. I’m going to give you the top five things ever invented that people actually care about.
5. The Air Fryer
Picture this: you get back from a night out, feeling drunk, tired, but most of all, hungry. You open your freezer and pull out a bag of pizza rolls that you have to microwave? Absolutely no shot. You’re putting those bad boys in your air fryer because it’s the greatest appliance of all time.
I can’t imagine a world in which I have to pay people with cash – or even worse: checks. Aside from my debit card, I don’t use any other forms of payment at all. There’s not much else to say. Venmo is a fucking game changer.
3. Internet porn
I’m sorry, but the thought of having to figure out a way to pay for and hide Playboy issues sounds like a nightmare. And that’s not even getting into the fact that once you’ve completed the draining process of getting your hands on one of those magazines, you’re still pretty much left to your own imagination, which just sounds exhausting. We’re truly blessed to have millions and millions of videos of people defiling one another at our fingertips.
2. Fantasy Football
For seventeen weeks out of the year, my Sundays are spent obsessing over how many catches a guy is going to get. That’s because if my guy gets more catches than my friend’s guy, I can both literally and metaphorically drag my nuts all over his face. There’s only one thing that can beat it.
Yeah, it’s been around for a really long time. But think about most of your best nights: do they happen without first taking down a twelve-pack of Millers or with a round of shots with your friends? Abso-fucking-lutley not. I’m not saying that you should need alcohol to have fun, but it can help a whole lot in creating great memories. Or great memories of you for your friends that you hear about later.