After a lot of time looking through the many months there are, I was able to pick out what I feel were the best twelve and put them together in this list, ranking the top twelve months of the year to drink.
12. February
There’s nothing wrong with February other than its length, which is the same complaint my girlfriend has about my penis. Don’t get me wrong, though, it’s still a great month to drink – it cracked the top twelve, after all!
11. January
After New Year’s Eve, most people try and make big life changes, and a lot of them include either drinking less or losing weight (which usually entails drinking less). So, even if you’re down to blackout on a Wednesday afternoon, some “mature people” might not be. Dorks.
10. April
Other than baseball starting, there’s nothing going on in April that makes it deserving of anything higher than tenth on this list. If you’re in school, you’ve got finals, and the weather is usually pretty bi-polar.
9. October
October gets its merit from football season and halloween. Other than that, it doesn’t have much going for it, and most of the drinking you will do in this month is just to numb the pain of seeing thousands of Instagram pictures of girls in flannels picking apples with the caption “Autumn” and four emojis that make me want to hit someone with my car.
8. March
The best thing about March is St. Paddy’s day, which (if done correctly), can turn into a week-long drinkathon that will leave you hungover for the rest of the month, which is why I can’t put it any higher.
7. November
The best drinking in November comes from Thanksgiving football games, obviously, but that Wednesday night before is top tier as well. The cold weather during the rest of the time puts a damper on the glorious end to the month, though.
6. August
Summer months will always rank higher for drinking. August is at the bottom of that three month stretch, though, because it doesn’t contain any holidays that allow me to use “patriotism” as an excuse to drink my age in beers.
5. May
Star Wars Day, Cinco de Mayo, classes ending, and Memorial Day Weekend are all great excuses to drink (some better than others), and nice weather becoming frequent is just a cherry on top.
4. September
Seven hours of commercial free football starts in September, making every Sunday awesome for drinking, and when you have Labor Day, nice weather, and syllabus week thrown in there, it becomes truly awesome.
3. July
The middle of summer. Zero responsibilities, trips to the beach, and the remembrance of the United States becoming the United States. Only two months can top that.
2. December
Christmas (Hanukkah, too, Becker) and New Years are quite possibly the two best holidays to drink for during the year, and when you factor in winter break for college kids, eggnog, and crunch time in the NFL season, there are endless opportunities to justify what some people would call a “drinking problem.”
1. June
The best month to drink is always the month we’re currently in. Remember that.
