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The World’s 5 Greatest Jobs

Jimmy Buffet Cover Band:

In order to perform in a Jimmy Buffett cover band, there are only three requirements, and your Dad likely has all of them: an infatuation with the Florida Keys, the ability to get sunburnt easily, and a drinking problem. I love Jimmy Buffett as much as the next guy, but even Jimmy himself sounds like a guy that started strumming a guitar after a few tequila sunrises. The only patrons in places that hire Jimmy Buffett cover bands are either retired upper-middle-class folks that want to spend their last decades of life by a beach or alcoholics that just got their government assistance money. Either way, those two groups are generally in high spirits. It doesn’t take much to get in front of a mic and mumble the words to Cheeseburger in Paradise as sweat drips from your presumably thick neck. If you hate your nine to five, get down to Florida and start bulking. 

Waterslide Tester:

I have to preface this by saying that it isn’t a full-time job, but it’s very much a real one. Every Spring, chain casinos and resorts fly waterslide testers out and comp their RFB in anticipation of a report on the waterslides they offer for little kids (and, let’s be honest, adults with special needs). They are responsible for interviewing hundreds of people and interpreting what could be done to make any particular aquatic attraction more enjoyable. For four to six months, they get between thirty-thousand and forty-five thousand dollars for being adult children. 

Marijuana Test Subject:

One of my friends did this a couple of years ago, and each test varies, but it’s a great part-time gig for quick cash. These jobs are usually available in places where weed is legal and reputable colleges are nearby. In my friend’s case, the test he was a subject in studied the relationship between marijuana and alcohol. After taking enough edibles to get him baked, he was put into a room for four to six hours with a twelve-pack of his favorite beers and a SmartTV. His base pay was forty dollars a session, but four dollars was subtracted for every beer he drank. After the sessions ended, he was Ubered home and told what day to come back the following week. 

-(Owner) Of Dog Busch Beer Tester:

Last summer, Busch Lite released a “beer for dogs.” As a dog owner, I’ve heard about this shit in hipster-type places before, but I’d never heard of it on a commercial scale. For TWENTY-THOUSAND dollars a year (plus healthcare), Busch Lite pays dogs to test their dog beer. I don’t really know how that fucking works, but that’s pretty awesome. 

Online Dating Ghostwriter: 

Okay, this sounds creepy, but if you’re desperate for dough, it’s really not. After one of my friends who is a girl got posted on a popular instagram account that posts college girls, some guy inquired about paying her money per fifteen minutes of conversation over text message (Snap text but older readers won’t know what that is). She said she didn’t want to do it, and I said I’d take half if I could do it. I think I cleared thirty bucks for a half an hour of:

Him: So what are you wearing

Her (Me): Barely anything

Him: Are you wet

Her (Me): Yes

Him: Tell me about it

Her (Me): Fifteen minutes up, fifty more bucks on Venmo.

Before shit got too creepy. 

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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