Certain things in life make your heart skip a beat or drop your stomach into your pelvis, some send you into a spiraling depression. Here are the worst feelings in the world.
When Your Mom Screams Your Name
You’re alone. Door locked. Headphones in. Scrolling through orange and black. Finally, a video you haven’t seen. You click. But instead of hearing that sweet sweet drum jingle, a piercing screech penetrates your eardrum like a fresh prisoner in San Quentin. It’s your mother and she is screaming your name. Your heart sinks and your weiner shrivels. Not only are you not going to be able to enjoy your favorite pastime, but odds are she just discovered your biggest secret. When moms scream you can tell instantaneously how fucked you are. This is a severe yell meaning she found something bad. You quickly begin thinking of the multiple things you’ve been hiding and pray she hasn’t found out about the worst. Getting in trouble isn’t even the worst part, it’s the period of time in between her screaming your name and actually yelling at you that scares you. There’s too much uncertainty like that Malaysia flight and whoever framed O.J Simpson.
When 60 Minutes Comes On
Nothing will send you into an instant depression like a 60 Minutes ad. There you are watching the late slate of NFL games, trying to make back the money you lost earlier on another Tom Brady comeback. It’s the weekend, everything seems good, you have no responsibilities other than paying your bookie. All of a sudden, the red graphic with a ticking bomb in the background flashes on the screen as the world’s first butler says “Scientists have may have just built a fully functioning human robot and it may be the solution to climate change, tonight on 60 Minutes.” That small 15 second ad ruins the rest of your day. It’s officially the end of the weekend and all of those responsibilities that seemed so distant have just come flying back to hit you in the face harder than that fastball thrown at Giancarlo Stanton.
When the Barber Just Keeps Going
You told him just to fade the sides and take a little off the top, but you’re well aware that’s the last you’ll be speaking before saying “looks great” at the end no matter what. Everyone knows that you can’t tell a barber you don’t like the cut. They’re too sensitive and there’s nothing they can do about it anyway. So, you sit there and watch them cut. It’s starting to look good, but he keeps cutting. You wait, thinking he’s got to be close to done. He keeps cutting and cutting. You begin to panic. You’re starting to see your scalp like Trae Young. You pray to all sorts of lords from Allah to Zeus that he stops, but nothing works. Eventually, he puts the shears down. He picks up a little mirror to show you the back. Holding back tears for the first time since Mac Miller’s death, you give him a thumbs up and tip the man. Back in the car looking like Ed from Ed, Edd, and Eddy, you helplessly try to fix it with your hands before giving up and driving home in a state of depression bound to last until it grows back.
When the Teacher Roasts You
Getting laughed at is never fun but being made fun of by an adult is always worse, especially if that adult is wearing a tie with a short sleeved button down. It really stings knowing that the person mocking you is a lonely middle aged man with an estranged daughter and Diabetes. The amount of joy that this man gets from making a group of prepubescent Axe Body Spray customers laugh is sickening. Despite his clear low self-esteem and the fact he hates his own life making him an easy target, you can’t retaliate making you feel more powerless than an American citizen protesting for gun reform.