I don’t like going to any kind of doctor. That’s partly because I’m lazy and partly because I usually anticipate being told I have a terminal illness of some kind. That hasn’t ever happened, but it could, which would suck. Anyway, here are the worst parts of each kind of doctor’s visit.
Yearly Check-Up: Lying
With each passing year, I find myself lying more and more to my primary care physician. I know that you’re supposed to tell doctor’s the truth, but when they ask how many drinks I have a week, I just have to lie. I feel bad about it, but I already know drinking fifteen beers in one night isn’t healthy, so I do it to avoid (deserved) judgment from medical professionals.
The Dentist: Talking
It’s pretty clear to me that dentists are people who weren’t smart enough for real doctor school. I don’t particularly love when they’re scraping around in my mouth telling me I should floss more, but what really pisses me off is when they have multiple metal sticks in my mouth and ask how my life has been since six months ago. In what world is that a good time for me to be speaking?
The Dermatologist: Thinking They’re Important
Every time I go to the dermatologist, they act like what they’re doing is difficult in some way. I’m sure it’s harder than sitting at a desk and complaining about dermatologists, but there’s no way it’s really that hard to say, “Well, looks like you have acne. You want accutane?” Real insightful there, man. Couldn’t have diagnosed my pimply face without you.
The Eye Doctor: Feeling Pathetic
I don’t actually go to an eye doctor because I have crazy good vision. Hold for applause – continue. For everyone that does go, though, I imagine the worst part of it is when you realize that if you were born in a different time period you would be left behind by your tribe because you slow them down with your sorry ass eyes.
The Emergency Room: All The People That Cut the Line
I don’t know about any of you, but I’ve always believed that there’s something going on in emergency rooms. Some kind of bribe system that lets certain people skip right to the front of the line, maybe? I was in the ER not too long ago because I had a bellyache, and I waited for seven hours. In that time, I saw tons of people go in ahead of me. I guess they all must pay a yearly fee to go back as soon as they come in because all those gunshot victims and people with stab wounds went to rooms almost instantly, which feels un-American.
The Gynecologist: All the Questions
Every time I go to the gynecologist, they have all these questions for me. “Why are you here?” “Don’t you think this is a waste of time?” Sometimes they even get really mean about it and say things like, “That’s not a vaginal growth. It’s just your penis.” The nerve of some people.