The Foodies. These are the ones you see taking pictures of the food they eat as if we have never seen food before. Using filters and lighting angles to prove that what they are eating is better than anything you have ever seen your whole life. They think we care about what they are eating as if It’s a personality to eat food. More importantly, they think this makes them a food expert when they are so skinny It looks like they could be used as floss for Terry Crews. I give the people who make the food and then take pictures of some credit because they MADE the food. If you just ordered some sushi that looks like a rainbow you have no right to claim it as if you did any of the work.
The only real experts on food are fat people because they are better than all of us in every aspect of life. The 90-pound bimbo that’s getting 500 dollars to have dinner with her sugar daddy is not an expert, she’s barely even a person. The 200-pound weight lifter that only eats chicken and goat semen isn’t a food expert either. Knowing what food looks good takes a lot of skill. I wouldn’t expect a Top Ramen eater like yourself to understand that salmon photos should be using the Clarendon filter.
The Glow Ups. Every photo is a “glow up” for these people. They think they’ve found a way to look hotter each month and feel the need to share their “improvements” with the world. I’m not talking about some loser that graduated from community college and found a job, that’s a fucking glow up. I’m talking about the girl that takes a photo next to her mailbox in the least amount of clothes possible to still be shown on Instagram and calling it a glow up. Putting an inch of makeup on every part of your body isn’t a “glow up”, it’s just sad.
These are also the guys who like posting every month about their “progress” on their muscles. Every month has to be the biggest improvement in OUR eyes so we think better of them. Their lives revolve around what they look like and how much they can cover up about their real selves to get more likes. It’s amazing how much one month can change a person! #glowup.
The influencers. Do you think of yourself as an influencer? Do you take videos of your butt workouts or your shitty standup comedy? Have you ever wanted to change the world with a photo of you not doing anything? Well, good news for you. Just get over 100k followers on Instagram through Bang or Manscaped sponsorships, wait for a global pandemic, grab a disposable mask, and take pictures everywhere you go. This will make it seem like you are a superhero saving the day, one Instagram photo at a time. Make sure you add a shitty inspirational quote as the caption but don’t give the person who actually said it any credit though, as that would shift the attention off of you.
These people want to be special because they think they are Drake doing “god’s plan” during this crisis, but they are doing the bare minimum. You do not influence any of the pre-teens that follow you. They don’t want to see you wearing a mask, they want to see your butt or your outdated Donald Trump impression. The Chinese virus is fake news. Crooked Hillary wants you to wear a mask, but using 100 dollar bills taped to your face is more effective.