There’s A 100% Chance That You Will Fall Down These Stairs While Hammered

Stairs a drunk person’s worst enemy. Walking on flat ground is hard enough while blacked out. You add having to climb or go down anything that might as well be impossible. You white knuckle the railing as if that’ll save you from the immediate doom. You inch your way down and think that you’ve made it out alive, and then boom, down you go. Or you think you’re invincible and can run, jump, or slide down the stairs and that never works.

Now regular stairs are hard enough you add an architect thinking he’s gonna be all fancy and make abstract stairs, and that might as well be a death sentence.

Satan himself chose this carpet. First of all, carpet on anything makes it worse. My friend’s grandma had carpet in her bathroom, and the amount of piss that was soaked into that thing could fill a barrel. You add lines or a pattern and all of the stairs look the same. There’s no depth here. I can’t even count how many stairs there are, and when intoxicated, knowing how many stairs is crucial.

The sneaky non-last step. Everybody has done this where they’re walking downstairs perfectly sober, and you go to step down and surprise that’s not a step. Your entire knee locks up, and you feel like you just hyperextended the shit out of your knee.

Don’t be like Embiid, and make stairs where peoples leg ends up like this. You don’t need to add extra shit to the stairs plain steps work just as fine.

Do you have to play hopscotch to get down these? Do you have to practice parkour to make it to the floor? People say that these are called butterfly steps, and they are used when you have to save space. Fuck that. I rather have a ladder. People know how to use a ladder. If a stranger comes over, you shouldn’t have to explain how to use the stairs. A 5-year-old can go upstairs, and somebody who is blackout is not much better than a toddler.

First of all, that person in that room looks like a ghost. They probably are haunting the house after they cracked their head going down the stairs. Imagine waking up still drunk, you leave the room to take a piss, and boom, you’re now falling down the steps. No gate or anything to stop anybody, nope, just straight to hell you go.

I imagine these stairs are from a BuzzFeed article saying these stairs aren’t only cute but are functional. Sure it’s functional for my drunk ass to come tumbling down and knocking over books, a plant, and a random pair of shoes. P.S. if you have books just chilling on your steps, you’re the ultimate try-hard. Nobody cares that you enjoy reading. Stop trying to make yourself look more intelligent.

I saved the best for last. This architect did so much coke before designing these stairs that Charlie Sheen would be jealous. My shins hurt just looking at these. Those edges don’t look forgiving at all, and all I can imagine is coming home drunk and running straight into them. It’s a total mind fuck on which part of the stair you actually put your foot on. Nobody should have to concentrate that hard on stairs.

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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