These names have REQUIRED nicknames

A couple weeks back, I posted a blog about the dark underbelly that comes with creating a self-proclaimed nickname and going by that name you created for yourself. In many ways, nicknames are earned gifts given by other people that cannot be returned. You should never give yourself a nickname… unless your parents named you one of these names below. 

If you are in college, and you have one of these rather particular names below, you are almost required to go by the nicknames I list. And yes, you absolutely have the green light to personally give yourself the nickname. You can thank me later.

Richard = Dick

This is a no brainer. For starters, the fact society deemed this nickname a social norm is a gift I will never question. It’s like when you have an eight foot put on the golf course and your opponent says, “That’s good,” and gives it to you. You don’t ask questions, you don’t resist. You just say, “thank you,” and take it. Not to mention that the personality traits of someone named Dick are almost polar opposite of those that belong to someone named Richard. Dick doesn’t believe in schedules, planning, or rehearsing. He does what he feels is right in a given moment. Richard, on the other hand, cannot live his life without a strict schedule. Even his morning shits are planned and documented on the calendar two months in advance. You can’t go by Richard unless you are 40 years old or if you are teaching a high school chemistry class. That’s just the way the universe works. 

Donald = Donnie

Whereas Richard’s age requirement is 40, you need to be at least 60 before you can go by Donald. Until then, it’s Donnie. This is for your own respect. If you are going by Donald and you aren’t a 60+ year old man who enjoys a nice scotch every now and then, you have to be doing something incredible if you want people to take you seriously. I say that for two reasons. The first reason is that one half of America currently hates and will continue to despise the first name Donald for quite some time, just because… well, you know. The other reason is that you will always get pictured as that 60 year old man who enjoys a nice glass of scotch every now and then. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s probably not the image you want when you are trying to be the best 21 year old college student you can be. Donald Glover is making it work because he’s currently doing something incredible, but we can’t all be acclaimed singers, actors, writers, and comedians. Donnie, on the other hand, has no age difference or preexisting stain on the name’s reputation. Donnie is a name for someone who loves to shoot the shit and get after it. Nobody named Donnie is in bed before 10pm on a Friday night. Maybe someone named Donald or Don will, but not Donnie. Donnie is electric and lights up every room he’s in. Donnie is such a good nickname that it can even qualify for names such as Edon, Adonis, Aidan, and many more. 

Matthew = Matt

There’s only one person on this planet that I can think of that can make the name Matthew work, and his last name is McConaughey. That’s it. Everyone else that willingly goes by Matthew and not Matt is a psychopath. Someone named Matthew will sit in criss-cross applesauce formation when they are 40 years old. Matthew won’t eat his sandwich unless it’s cut in perfect squares and the crusts have long been removed. Matthew also swims in the kid’s pool because he likes the warmer waters. Get the picture? Matthew is kind of a kook. Do yourself a favor and go by Matt. Things don’t always go alright alright alright for people who go by Matthew. 

Kristene, Kristen, Kirsten, Kerstin, Kyrsten = Mary

Congratulations for making introductions impossible for us over the years. God forbid if we accidentally mispronounce your name, it’s a felony punishable by death. Damn you guys and your tedious names. Your new name is Mary. And that’s final.

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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