Even if you didn’t participate (pussy), you know that it was a thing. There was a weird stretch of time in middle school where you and your friends decided that randomly ball-tapping each other was a really fun game, and honestly, I think we all secretly wish it was still going. Not because we really miss walking down the hallway and fighting back vomit after taking an uppercut to the nads, but because there is really no higher form of comedy than someone taking a backhand to the dick and immediately dropping to the floor. Sure, you might throw the occasional one out, but it’s not nearly as prevalent as it once was, which is a borderline travesty.
When I was in middle school, I was about five feet tall, and I don’t know if I was over a hundred pounds. That combined with my slightly above average athletic ability made me realize pretty quick that beyond high school, sports wouldn’t be in the cards. Recess is the last time most of us felt like a god in the athletic world, and I know we’d all give anything to go back to touch football games that had more meaning than anyone can really understand.
The Go-To Insult
Look, I know it’s incredibly frowned upon to say nowadays, but calling someone “gay” when you were twelve years old at the lunch table was probably the most intense insult you could hit someone with. You were twelve, so you really didn’t understand that it was a not-so-great thing to call someone when insulting them, but you wish that excuse still flew into your adult years because calling someone an “asshole” doesn’t really match the old energy.
Getting Away with Being a Douche
If I could go back and punch my twelve-year-old self in the face, I would. I was a huge dick, and so were all of my friends. Somehow though, everybody just kind of lets it slide because you’re twelve, and people expect you to be a terrible person. Now if I accidentally get someone’s pronouns wrong, he/she/they/it/apache attack helicopters treat me like I’m a Scared Straight Camp Counselor.