With the end of both the NBA and NHL seasons, we’ve officially made it to the biggest sports drought of the year. This part of the season is like an Uber ride back to your house with a girl you met at the bar. It’s small talk in the middle of an otherwise exciting night. I love the MLB, but it’s the chubby red-headed little brother to the NFL. Football is the best sport. It blows out other sports in terms of tailgating, it has the best fantasy, and NFL Redzone is the best tv show since Breaking Bad stopped. This is all a big way of saying I really miss football. I don’t know what I miss more than the NFL. But here are a few things I miss less.
Seeing boobs for the first time in real life
I’ve wished many times I could go back to this morning. After being a fan of them on screens for so long, and butchering some poor girl’s bra, you finally get to see them in real life. It truly is an exciting moment in a young man’s life. You know what else is exciting? When you need forty-two points between Austin Ekeler and your kicker for a fantasy win and watching them clutch it. It’s more fun to watch than any two nipples ever will be.
Playing little league baseball
Was there a simpler time in life? Your parents would make you Eggo waffles before school. You and your boys would talk trash about the game you had that night. You were pitching, so your mind was occupied when you were supposed to be learning fractions. You go four innings and give up one run. You get a water ice at the snack stand to celebrate the win. Life is good. You know the only better day than that? Waking up at seven in the morning, and going to a parking lot to drink seventeen beers, blacking out in front of your father, coming back to Earth at kickoff and watching a football game. Uh, yeah. That’ll do.
That guy in high school who disappeared
You remember that guy who was in your homeroom for the first six months of your freshman year before he suddenly vanished? He kinda kept to himself, but he was also the coolest dude in the room. One day he transferred and you no longer had an audience who would laugh at every one of your bad jokes. Maybe that was just an experience I had, but that dude rocked. You know who I like better, though? Jalen Hurts, who is a certified dog. If he ever needs a spare body part to play a game, he could take it from me in an instant. I just wonder if my joints are as athletic as his.
I don’t know the role that Yoo-hoo served in everyone else’s child, but it was the third biggest factor in raising me after my parents. My grandmother always stayed stocked on it for when my siblings and I were over. It was also considered a special occasion drink at our own house. I know I could go to a gas station and get some now, but it’s just better from a box in your mom’s fridge. I miss it more than anything, except watching the Cowboys lose in the playoffs.
Angela, what I did was inexcusable. I know that cheating on you was wrong, and doing it with your sister is a million times worse. Please take me back though. I have done a lot of reflection, and I am truly a changed man. I miss you so much, just not as much as throwing down five leg money line parlays on Sundays.