Play-Doh has a bit of a stranglehold on the whole “Fun to Play With, Not to Eat!” slogan in their advertisements, but I think that it’s unfair because there’s a lot of other things that should come with that same warning. I’ll do my part to protect all of you by listing some of them here:

Firearms

There’s nothing better than playing with a loaded gun, and if you can get one that’s fully automatic, it makes it even better! Eating them is no good, though. They always leave this pesky metallic taste in my mouth and an occasional bullet hole through the back of my throat.

Bricks

Some great games you can play with bricks include: “Throw it through the window of that abandoned house” and “Hit someone on the head with it as hard as you can.” But be warned: eating bricks almost always leads to a trip to the dentist, and who the hell wants that?

Little Kids

Ah, is there anything better than playing around with your little cousin, niece, nephew, or nephniece? Don’t try to cook them up and eat them, though. It results in you being labeled a “sick freak” and the police arresting you for something called “cannibalism.”

Vibrators

Vibrators are a really great toy to play with, and using them can really spice things up in the bedroom department. Consuming them, though? That’s a mistake. If you’re lucky, people on the city bus will think the noise coming from your stomach just means you’re hungry, but it could get much worse: sometimes, people think you have really bad gas.

Feces

Who doesn’t love horsing around with a good turd? Poop fights, playing “identify the food,” and “catch the crap” are all tons of fun, but you should never eat feces. It’ll make your breath smell like shit. 

Automobiles

My car is one of my favorite toys, but you really shouldn’t eat an automobile. Other than the fact that it will leave you with no method of transportation, it’s just too much. You eat a whole car and you’ll be full for weeks.

Your Grandfather’s Dentures

Stealing these away always leave room for silly antics clacking those fake teeth together, and it’s always fun to listen to the old bastard get angry and say, “Hey gib doze back rife dis insint!” Having them for an afternoon snack isn’t the best idea, though. We all know how corn presents out the other end, so just imagine what that geezer’s teeth will look like.