Things That Happen to All College Guys

Happy Gilmore (1996) Directed by Dennis Dugan Shown from left: Bob Barker (as himself), Adam Sandler (as Happy Gilmore)

A Fight

It may be the equivalent of the New Anchor Battle in Anchorman or maybe something a little more similar to Happy Gilmore getting his shit rocked by Bob Barker, but at some point in every guy’s college career, there’s going to be some kind of fight. When the time comes, it’s best to make sure you can actually take whoever you end up going up against or that you’re faster than the guy that’s definitely going to kick your ass.

Get Kicked from a Party

I’ve been asked to leave my fair share of parties, and there’s two very different ways to go about it when it happens. You can be smart and try to make your exit quietly and without anything worse happening, or you can fight the injustice and scream bloody murder as you get dragged out. The first option will usually keep you safest, but you have the best odds of not looking like a pussy if you let the assholes giving you the boot know that they suck.

Telling a Bad Joke

For most guys in college, this is something that happens more than just once. Because we now live in a world in which almost every fun word is offensive, many the insults we used to emasculate our friends in middle school and high school no longer fly, and because of that, every guy will end up in a situation in which he looks like a total asshole because he called someone “fat” or told a joke at the expense of the 10,000 groups you’re no longer allowed to talk about.

The Easiest Hard Decision

At some point in every dude’s college experience, he’s going to reach the point where he has enough money left to buy a case of beer for the weekend or feed himself for the weekend. It’s the easiest hard decision he’ll ever have to make because there’s plenty of calories in beer.

That Real Bad Night

You guys all know what I’m talking about. It starts out just like any other, but when you wake up the next morning, your wallet’s missing, your bank account is negative, you’ve got fourteen missed calls and eighty-four text messages of everyone asking where you are, and you’re praying there isn’t a warrant out for your arrest.

A Visit by the Boys from Home

Whether it’s a month into your freshman year, during your boy’s spring break in his fifth year, or twenty times in between, a visit by the boys from home always results in one of your more memorable weekends. In order to show them a good time, you pull out all the stops and end up with Snapchat memories that will be getting sent around while you’re attending the baptism of your first-born child.

Should I just drop out?

At a certain point, every guy is going to hit a level of hatred for college academia that he seriously considers the options he has for a career without a degree. After serious consideration, most of us realize that we aren’t nearly talented enough to do anything without a $150,000 piece of paper that tells people we made it to graduation, but there are a select group of people that are able to abandon the night-before-a-big-exam-cram-sessions for the real world. We salute you, gentlemen.

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Written by TFM

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