Things That Make You a Virgin (Even if You’re Not One)

Enjoying Musicals

If you look me dead in the eyes and ask if I want to go see Wicked with you, I’m just going to assume that your list of sexual partners is zero – shortly after I’ve finished kicking you directly in the fleshy part of your body where your testicles should be.

Holding Hands

Who cares if that girl you’re holding hands with is your girlfriend? She lets you see her without clothes a few times a week? Sick. It doesn’t change the fact that when I see you doing this, the only thing that pops into my head (well, the only thing that pops into my head that I can also get away with posting online) is that you’re a complete and total virg.

Using an Umbrella

You afraid to get rained on? Probably means you’re afraid of vagina, too, virgin.

Wearing Slippers

Sure slippers might be warm and cozy and keep your feet from touching a dirty floor. That’s really nice. But if you’re not brave enough to walk around with cold feet, you’re definitely not brave enough to enter a woman.

Owning Throw Pillows

Wow. That bed is really nicely decorated – too bad you’ve never had a single woman that’s been in your room to see it. Lose a few pillows, and then maybe you can lose the v-card.

Being a Good Student

Yeah, I’m sure you have a ton of free time to study because I know you’re sure as hell not using it to have sex, loser.

Wearing Crocs

Cool, those shoes have lots of holes in them, but what are you masking with all those holes? Probably the fact that they’re the only holes you’ve ever seen. 

A Healthy Diet

I’m so happy that you’re taking care of your body, but maybe you should – I don’t know – take care of that constant boner you’ve got first? Eat your leafy greens and bland chicken. The rest of us will be out here touching women.

Using an Ironing Board

Congratulations, buddy. Your shirts are wrinkle free, and your life is intercourse free. Hope you’re happy.


Hey man, you’re out here protecting the environment. That’s awesome. You’re also protecting your pants from ever being unzipped by a female.

Never Having Had Sex

By definition, if you haven’t had sex, that makes you a virgin. Sorry about that.

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Written by TFM

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