I’m twenty-one, and a little over a month away from starting my final year of college. That means that I’m on the brink of adulthood in the worst way possible, so there are some things coming that are genuinely scaring the shit out of me.
The Tactical J.O.
One of the most beautiful things about my youth has been the ability to play the old skin flute whenever I feel like it. I’ve read recently (don’t ask me why) that as you get older, there’s more and more of a need to be selective about when you’re jerking off. That’s because if you hit a wake and shake and later that night you have the opportunity to have sex, you won’t be able to finish with your lady friend. Most guys go through a solid ten years of being borderline controlled by the times of the day that blood rushes down to their crotch, so the idea that one day I’m going to have to make sure that my tank is fully loaded every time there’s an opportunity out there is, well, it’s just terrifying.
Old Man Piss
I’m not exactly sure when this starts, but I know that at some point during adulthood for men, you eventually start taking an old man piss. Every one of you knows what I’m talking about. You’ve heard an old dude in the bathroom attempting to have a stream. He walks in and it takes six minutes to take a piss because he can only manage three second spurts at a time. For someone that takes great pride in a full and powerful stream, this is a borderline nightmare.
Yeah, I know. In college every once in a while, you’ll wake up feeling like garbage and it’s a brutal hangover. But from everything I’ve heard, the second you hit around twenty-five, it gets a ton worse. Not only can you not put down fifteen beers in a night anymore, but if you have more than four, five drinks, you wake up the next morning on the verge of death. I know that you shouldn’t be drinking like you do in college forever anyway, but I was hoping to be this responsible for a lot longer than four or five more years.
This is scary simply because I know that I’m wildly unprepared to deal with my own finances, let alone give the government the money they’re owed at the end of every fiscal year.