Look, I know it can feel awesome to get something done, but let’s not pretend like it wouldn’t be way more fun to lie in bed and be an absolute fucking bum for the day.
Fuck everybody who talks about how much they love to work out. Working out fucking blows. I try to do it somewhat frequently, so I can continue to eat like a total asshole. But I’m going to be the most honest I’ve ever been in my entire life: every single time I work out, I start to think that inability to gain weight being a symptom of AIDS isn’t the worst trade off of all time. That was fucked up. Oh well. That should show you just how much exercising sucks. Stop pretending that it’s fun.
I don’t know what else there is to say here. It’s like a sexual time-share meeting: you’re only there because you need to do it to get the deal on the vacation.
The city of Ocean City, New Jersey is one of my favorite places ever, but it has nothing to do with spending time on the beach. I can totally see why people would love it, and I think that it has some great moments. But when someone says that they would rather do nothing else in the world than just be lying on the beach. Are you fucking kidding me? You’d rather spend six hours trying not to get sand permanently lodged in your taint and have to apply sunscreen every two hours, all while you’re forced to listen to the family of fat, sunburned people who arrived there in a car with a Confederate flag on the back blast country music and force yourself to go in the water that’s so cold it quite literally sends your nuts to your throat, than anything else in the world? How about, I don’t know, something way cooler? Like maybe make billions of dollars? Idiots.
Waking Up Early
If I could, I would sleep until 3p.m. tomorrow. It might be healthy, allow you to be more productive, and probably a bunch more awesome things, but don’t lie and say that you like getting up early in the morning. It’s just pathetic.
Chick-fil-A Chicken Sandwich
Got a bunch of people real angry right now, but hear me out. A Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich was what I ate for dinner three nights a week this past semester, and I absolutely loved every single second of it. It’s one of the best things you can get in fast food, but I hate to say it: Popeye’s has them beat.
Nah, just kidding. That’s the greatest show in television history, and I’ll go to my fucking grave on that.