A while back, I wrote a blog with a similar title – Thing’s That’re Better Than Sex. The thing was, though, that I declared that nothing was better and that I had been lying about each thing. That inspired me to write this blog, which will not end with me saying nothing is better. Here we go.
A cold sip of water when you’re dying of thirst
Whether it happens after you spend an entire day out in 100-degree heat or after waking up the morning after heavy drinking with zero moisture in your mouth, that first sip of a cold glass of water will feel unbelievable. There’s no way it’s better than sex, but is it better than playing with yourself? Absolutely.
A good back-crack
The past day or so has been rough for me. I woke up yesterday with a stupid amount of pain in my back, and even though the THC lotion I’ve been putting on has helped, what I really need is a session at the chiropractor. If you’ve never been to the chiropractor, you should go. They spend 20ish minutes cracking your back and other body parts, and it just feels amazing. 100% would rather experience that than whacking off.
Lying down in your own bed for the first time in a while
You know when you have a weekend where you go and drink somewhere and then get up for work early the next day and don’t get home until late that night? It’ll be like 10:30p.m. and you’re fantasizing about your bed more than you ever have about the girl from your Organic Chemistry lab. The feeling of getting into that bed is pure perfection. You won’t even want to masturbate.
Winning money gambling
Last weekend I played poker with my friends. After going down $25 pretty quick, I ended up winning $16.75 for the night. Now, had I been able to keep that money and not have to immediately use it to pay off the money I lost playing golf and the money I owed for Wawa runs, it would have been a pretty spectacular feeling. I would always rather win money gambling than touch myself.
Air-drumming the solo from “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins
Don’t act like you don’t do it. We all do it. And hitting that is exponentially better than any time you’re alone with yourself. Don’t deny it.
Big Poops
Releasing a massive poop – one that’s been brewing, and you finally let out – is easily more fun than cranking one out. I just did that between writing the last section and this one. Huge dump, and it was definitely better than jerking off.
Watching the 2006 Comedy Accepted Starring Justin Long, Jonah Hill, and Blake Lively
You’ll end up having to jerk off at some point because Blake Lively, but it’s also a very silly movie.
