The Worst Shit Of Your Life At Grandmas:
People get on Boomers all the time for being selfish and industrializing this country faster than John Ross at the combine, but I don’t even care about the shit. My biggest gripe with old people is the fact that their toilet bowls are proportionate to an American Girl Doll. I mean, Jesus Christ, shitting at Grandma’s house is more difficult than learning calculus. Your boys downstairs are more crammed than a Spirit Airlines flight to Fort Lauderdale in March, the toilet clogs half the time, and the backsplash would make you feel like you just dropped dumbbells off an airplane. I love drying off my hands with our little home towels as the next guy, but I came to this house to hear about how millennials don’t want to work anymore, not fight for my life in a bathroom that smells like gingerbread.
Gifs To Get Away With Watching Porn:
The sneaky gifs. If your parents were like mine, they didn’t go through your phone history, but they felt no problem with googling something if your phone was lying out on the couch. People think that my generation started on the ‘Hub, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We started on Tumblr, Twitter, and Vine, searching like Indiana Jones for the right hashtags that would lead us to the good stuff so we could get three fluid ounces of anger out of our changing bodies. It created enough barrier to entry not to get caught but provided enough material to get the job done.
George Lopez On Your TV At 1:30 In The Morning:
This is a given. Every kid born from 1998-2003 woke up with George Lopez’s goofy-ass face bouncing on a trampoline.
Having To “Unscare Yourself” After A Scary Movie:
I’m not going to lie; if I just watched something based on a Stephen King book, I’ll still do this. You just watched a scary movie, but you’re too old to need somebody to calm your nerves. What do you do? You throw on the definition of comfort television: That 70’s Show, Family Guy, South Park, Keeping Up With The Kardashians-I don’t fucking know who you are. The point being, you unscare yourself with something that is so inverse of what you just spent the last two hours watching that rather than dream about lobotomies, you have a very suspect dream about Louis Griffin and debate getting one the next morning.
Mom Taking A Picture When Shouldn’t Because The Family Doesn’t Get Together Much:
You’re at a repass, or maybe the family got together to make a plan because Aunt Carla is drinking too much. Either way, you’re dressed nice, and the family is never together. Snot is coming out of people’s noses, cheeks are fully flushed, somebody just had to bury their Dad, but the family is never together, and it’s Christmas card time.
