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Things Your Dad Yells When Watching Football

  • “Come over and watch some football” What he really means is “come over and let me show you how good I can scream at a TV and share my political opinions.”
  • Now, we got a game” Said after all semi-interesting plays regardless of the score.
  • “SHORT! COME ON THAT’S SHORT!” Abruptly standing up after a close 3rd and goal tackle, looking at the family dog as if to confirm that his argument is valid.
  • “That’s the game… oh my god that’s the game… the game is over… that’s it” Spoken at ANY point in the 3rd quarter when the game is in fact not over.
  • “What’d I miss?” Said after grabbing another beer and directed to the person in the room with the least football knowledge so he can correct them shortly after.
  • “That’s why they need to microchip in the ball” A theory that is said every game and has been in his mind for years but hasn’t developed past that one sentence (questioning him further about this theory makes him angry and need more beer).

The You Gotta’s:

  • “You gotta catch that”
  • “You gotta punt it”
  • “You gotta challenge that”
  • “You gotta call that”
  • “You gotta go for it”

Said as if the player, coach, commentator, or pointless white lady on the field can hear him and should take his advice because, as we all know, watching football is a lot harder than playing it.

“Look at this play. Watch, they’re are gonna show it again This is such a good play. Look at this. What a great play. They’ll play it again, watch. Great play. Look at this play.” My personal favorite. It is said to get everyone’s attention as he clutches and points the remote at the TV presenting what happened like a PowerPoint. It’s almost poetic watching him say basically the same thing non-stop in the span of 15 seconds as they show the replay. Even after the play is shown again, he will rewind the game, mumbling the quote above to himself like a man in a straight jacket while watching it again.

What do you think?

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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