This wedding officiator is a coke addict! He’s also dead. And a bear.

In case you didn’t put it together from the headline, Cocaine Bear has officiated a wedding. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m not talking about the CGI bear from the movie Cocaine Bear, I mean the actual bear that the film is based on. 

If you are still completely lost, basically there is this movie called Cocaine Bear. It is about a bear that takes a lot of cocaine. Lucky bear, right? Well, here’s the thing: it’s a true story.

Back in 1985, the golden age of coke, a black bear in Georgia came across a large amount of cocaine after a drug smuggler dumped some off a plane into the forest. Then in 2023, amidst Hollywood’s “we are clearly out of ideas and mostly just changing classic movie character’s races” era, Elizabeth Banks decided to retell the story of the drug-induced animal. 

While the film exaggerates the drug’s effects on the bear through a mass killing spree, in actuality the bear quickly overdosed on the coke and died. Upon its finding, the bear was stuffed, comically topped with a cowboy hat, and shipped off to Kentucky where it sits on display at the state-famous Kentucky Fun Mall. 

Flash forward to today and that same stuffed bear is officiating real weddings. Yup, due to the bear’s notoriety from the film, co-owner of the KFM Griffin VanMeter began offering up the taxidermied bruin as an officiator. Though several people were intrigued, it was Pikeville couple Armando Elizondo and Alexandra Venturino that were serious about the offer. And yes, they do have face tattoos (and probably coke addictions).

Under Kentucky state law, a human being is necessary to ordain a marriage. Annoying, I know. However, Elizondo and Venturino wanted Cocaine to be their minister so badly they actually had two ceremonies. The first, of course, was officiated by the Cocaine Bear himself, even swapping his classic cowboy hat for a top hat. However, it was store owner VanMeter that presided over the “legal” ceremony. While VanMeter didn’t charge a fee for the happy (yet crazy) couple, he is thinking about putting a price on Cocaine Bear’s services for the future.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Venturino! Please don’t have any children you crazy fucks.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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