Welcome to Memorial Day Weekend — the official start to the summer! I hope you all are as excited as I am for this upcoming weekend. If you aren’t, don’t fret because I am about to pump you up with three great ideas of how to celebrate this glorious extended weekend. Here are the three best ways to spend Memorial Day.
Talk To Your Grandparents
I know this isn’t how you expected this list to start, but this is a crucial part of MDW. Do you know what we’re celebrating on this holiday? Me neither. Do you know who definitely knows? Grandpa. That man has been alive for literally everything. I’m sure he was around when President Whatshisface made up this absolutely magnificent festivity. I know Memorial Day is all about America and remembering stuff, but to be completely honest with you all I don’t remember anything about America in between 1776 and 2001. I’m sure some other stuff happened in that time frame other than Pearl Harbor and the invention of the Big Mac, but I don’t know what. So, take this long weekend as an opportunity to call your oldest remaining relative and let them spew about their childhood memories for a bit. It may take about an hour of your time, but you have some extra hours to spare with everything closed on Monday, so go ahead and make their day by giving them a ring on that rotary phone they still have. It may be boring, but it makes them happy and you’ll even get to learn some neat stuff that you’ll soon forget after you start drinking.
Go To The Beach
This isn’t a very original idea, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Everyone goes to the beach for Memorial Day for a reason: it’s officially summertime. The sun will be out, the waves will be crashing, and there will be a boatload of drunken fools to keep you entertained. Spend some nice quality time with your family and friends in the sand. If you’re a dude (which you definitely are if you’re reading this), go ahead and dig yourself a big ol’ hole. There is nothing guys like more than holes, especially ones they have complete and utter control over. If you build one big and deep enough to catch others’ attention, ladies may be impressed and give you access to even more holes. That’s what Memorial Day is all about. I think.
There is nothing more patriotic than drinking until you pass out and/or piss yourself. Memorial Day may be a day of remembrance, but that doesn’t mean you should remember the actual day itself. With a long weekend on our hands, it’s only right to be guzzing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. There is nothing to wake up for on Monday, so you may as well drink until you drop the night before. If you really want to celebrate MDW the right way, go ahead and combine blacking out with options 1 & 2. Grab a case of anything other than Bud Light, pick a nice sandy spot on the beach, and dial up Gramps. If you’re wasted, you are likely to have a way more enjoyable and offensive conversation with the most opinionated person in your family. So, go outside, enjoy the weather, and make sure you don’t remember a damn thing about this weekend. Happy Memorial Day, everybody!