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Tom Cruise Has a Crush on Shakira

I feel bad for Tom Cruise. Sure, he’s rich enough to achieve my personal goal of buying a group of private islands for him and all of his friends to live on. And yes, he had sex with Nicole Kidman in her prime. But currently, Tom Cruise is dealing with the same type of problems that we have all been dealing with since middle school, and unfortunately for him it makes national headlines.

The Mission Impossible star reportedly was hanging out with Shakira this week, and news companies all across the country are talking about his desire to pursue a relationship with her. This would be my absolute worst nightmare. Imagine hanging out with a girl you like and then having it become national news. Even worse, every one of these companies is also stating that Shakira has no interest in getting romantic with the poster boy of scientology. Game over Tom.

This has got to be driving Tom Cruise insane. This is the type of guy who wakes up in the morning with ideas for how he can jump a motorcycle off of a mountain, and then he does it. He’s hung on to the outside of a plane, parachuted in a full suit of body armor, and rode a motorcycle on top of a moving train. He can seemingly do anything, except rizz just a little bit. 

Shakira’s hips famously don’t lie, so I think Tom is going to have to move on. I’ve been through my fair share of nights with a woman that end in masturbation. It’s a shameful nut. Fortunately for him, he’s several leagues ahead of me sexually. When I walk into a crowded nightclub and announce my presence, I look like an asshole. When he does it, he looks like an asshole that people want inside of them. I can feel pain for the embarrassment he’s feeling. But he’s also given more money to a cult than I’ll make in my life, and will have plenty of other options to find love. He’s just going to stop being so picky about his partner’s abilities to create a catchy melody. 

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Written by TFM

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