Since the dawn of time, there have always been telltale signs that people pick up on to differentiate between who is cool and who is lame as shit. When I was a young 6 year old, the sign was whether or not you had a pair of Heelys. Those shits were so fucking dope and if you were seen by one of your peers gliding through the halls with your toes to the sky and a smile on your face AFTER the schoolwide ban on Heelys, you weren’t just cool, you were a bad boy. Since I was a senior in high school in late 2016, the telltale sign to tell if someone is cool is whether or not they are holding what everyone else in the room wants, The Juul. When harnessing the great power of this flavorful rectangle, you find yourself to be the object of attention of any of the other losers who were tricked into this addiction to be cool. When you are this person, it’s hard to decipher which of these lusting hands reaching out for your vape is actually someone you want to use, and the delivery of the ask is extremely important to whether or not they get any of that sweet, sweet mint pod. Here’s a top 10 list of the ways to ask for a juul so you can tell who’s actually cool when they try to puff on your magic dragon.
10. Ayy bro lemme touch that
A classic “fringe” guy move. You’ve met this guy once or twice at a friends house and he might be cool, but you also saw him walk in and put two Green Apple 4Lokos in your buddy’s fridge so I’d maybe wait an hour or so before letting him “touch” you’re most prized possession. Go smoke a cigarette NERD!
9. Yo can I toot your flute?
This is a good way to ask if this is your first time asking for this specific person’s nicotine device. The first time a person hears this they will be confused before giving you a chuckle and rewarding you’re mediocre joke rhyme with 2 or more hits of that devastatingly insatiable fruit medley pod.
8. Ay Woody, lemme get a Buzz
As a fan who’s still upset they didn’t incorporate vaping into Toy Story 4(SPOILERS), this one hits a little different. But in all honesty don’t give your juul to this kid he sounds like a chode.
7. Babe, where’s the juul?
This most likely isn’t one you’ll hear directed at you, but usually will hear your buddy yell out to his girlfriend while she watches him play fortnite from the opposite side of the couch while taking her 4th bong rip in the past 17 minutes. She throws it at him a little too hard and hits him in the ear. This relationship is going downhill fast and you have a front row seat to the death of love. Enjoy!
6. May I suck your Nicoteet?
A great way to start a conversation with a random girl at a bar and even though she can’t hear what you’re saying because the same Fisher song has been on for the past 23 minutes, you can tell from the look in her eyes that she already hates you and is disgusted by your existence. Go home and have a sad fap champ.
5. Yo Homie, Can ya Dome me?
While this may sound like your amigo is trying to fellate you, he’s actually referring to the “dome” he would receive from your off-brand mango pod that definitely contains pesticides. If you haven’t noticed, puns and rhyming are essential to not only getting the juul but getting it again on the second ask, you need staying power in the nicotine game.
4. Can I puff down on your nicotine machine?
This question will be met with confusion and bewilderment, BUT that person’s arm will immediately begin to straighten itself out and hand you their vape with OR without their consent.
3. Can I get a chief of your nicotine queef?
This line has given me the ability to wrap my lips around countless bedazzled juuls around TCU campus. Translation: the females will eat this one up.
2. Can I suck on your guy?
No, this is not the proposition of a loose woman towards you, you’re boyfriend, or yours/his member. The guy refers to that other magic wand you have in your hands for way too much of the day, and is a sure fire way to get 4-7 puffs and get that sweet fix you’re looking for.
1. May I orally fixate myself with your Cancerous Rectangle?
This method of questioning is meant not only to provoke all juul users in the room, but to make them question every decision that they’ve made in their life that led to them developing a lifelong addiction to a deadly substance because it’s sleek rectangular design and the acceptance of their peers made them feel cool. When you ask them for the Juul this way, they’ll give it to you and might not even ask for it back. By posing this question you’ve caused them to question their entire lifestyle and in the process, earned yourself your very own juul. Congratulations and suck all the juice out of the pod that is life until you inevitably die of lung cancer at age 37.
PSA: JUULING IS ACTUALLY BAD AND YOU CAN QUIT TODAY BY SWITCHING OVER TO NATURAL, HEALTHY AND AMERICAN GROWN TOBACCO THAT HAS BEEN SHOWN TO HAVE ZERO HEALTH CONCERNS. I SWITCHED OVER AND IT’S CHANGED MY LIFE. TRY IT NOW!