Top 5 Frat Superpowers

If you could have any superpower what would it be? Most of us would probably answer flying or teleportation or invisibility, things we’ve seen in movies and comic books. However, are those really the best superpowers? Definitely not.

Sure, flying would be sick, but outside of using it for travel it doesn’t truly serve a practical purpose. Like what am I honestly gonna do? Fight a bird? Invisibility is really only good if you’re a pervert or want to hear your friends talk bad about you behind your back. And teleportation? We have cars that drive themselves nowadays. Is that not enough?

If I were truly given any superpower I could think of I would definitely choose something more practical. It would need to be something I’d use daily, would improve my life overall, and hopefully get me laid. Here are five frat superpowers that would genuinely be helpful.

No Hangover Glitch

Life would be so much better if I never woke up wanting to die. I spend anywhere from 2-4 mornings a week with my head in the toilet, clinging onto a drink designed to cure diarrhea in babies. That is no way to live. Imagine if hangovers never existed. What a crazy life that would be. First off, I’d surely be drinking every night. You wouldn’t even be able to call me an alcoholic since there wouldn’t be any consequences. I’d be more social, confident, and charismatic. The only downsides would be my uber expenses and the fact I’d probably give myself dementia from blacking out every night. Both small prices to pay to never be both sweating and shivering at the same time.

Water To Beer

If you could somehow combine this with the No Hangover Glitch, you’d have a more lethal duo than Taco Bell-KFC restaurants. Do you realize how much beer you could drink with this superpower? You would never need to pay for another cold one again. Free beers at restaurants and bars. No need to go to the liquor store ever again. Hell, you could take a bath in Corona if you felt like it.

The Infinite Vape

How happy would you be if the next vape you bought never ran out? That’s every fiend’s dream. No more losing $20 every single week. No more worrying that your boy is taking too many rips. And no more people telling you to quit. This will officially be your last nic stick ever. Just tell those no-fun sticklers you’ll quit when this one runs out. Now, you got those pansies off your back and sweet ol’ nicotine swirling around your dome. What a relief.

Beer Pong Clutch Gene

Honestly, you could use this for any skill, not just beer pong. Whether that be golf, bowling, pool, you name it, you are now Steph Curry when the game is on the line. Anytime you have one cup left in pong, you know you’re gonna hit it. Not only does hitting the winner in a competitive game of pong make you irresistible to women, but you truly do feel like a king. If you knew going into the game there was no chance at losing, you’re probably gonna want to hustle some fools and make some money. Now, you’re a full time pong player who hops from bar to bar, making money off dudes trying to impress their girls. You leave with cash, the girl, and a whole lot of pride.

Touchdown Scorer Vision

I saved the best superpower for last. This is every dude’s dream. Every Saturday night, while drunk at the bar, you get a That’s So Raven vision of Scott Hansen’s “every touchdown from every game.” The end results of the games are in no way ruined or spoiled. Yet, you can now place TD scorer parlays that literal guaranteed locks. You will never work a day in your life. Impress any guy you ever meet. And can watch football for a living. It is the ultimate superpower and undoubtedly my first wish if I ever meet a genie.

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Written by Alex Becker

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