Certain things in life just suck. Here are the five most annoying things in the world.
Uber Drivers That Talk
The Uber feature that designates certain drivers as “known for great conversation” is the best invention since fidget spinners cured ADHD in 2017. Of course I don’t actually want to speak to my Uber driver, but now I know when I should cancel. Getting in an Uber and being greeted with questions about my life is more annoying than running into people you know at the grocery store. This isn’t the time for conversation. All I want is to get to my destination and sit on my phone. I would rather refresh my spam email account a thousand times than tell you where I’m originally from and the rest of my plans for the night. I get that drivers are just trying to boost their ratings and be friendly, but they gotta know no one has been rating drivers since the app implemented a skip button.
Why the fuck do these even happen? A case of the hiccups feels like having a mini-heart attack every 25 seconds. I mean whoever had the first case of hiccups had to have thought he was dying right then and there. You’re living a normal fully-functional life, until suddenly, your heart just physically beats outside your chest. Then it does that about a hundred times over and over again as you make whale noises tourette-style.
Dropping Your Phone In The Car
Someone please explain to me why the space in between the driver’s seat and console of a car is the exact same size as my phone. Ideally there should be no gap at all, but if you are going to put one for no apparent reason please make it big enough for my fat hands to shimey down so I retrieve my fallen items. My phone finds its way into crevices easier than Charlie Sheen driving down a dark alleyway late at night. I either need to start doing hand exercises in the gym to trim down or Toyota needs to make some adjustments because squeezing my hand in that space is as painful as Kim Kardashian squeezing into Mairlyn Monroe’s dress.
I can’t describe this feeling in words, but we’ve all been there. You know you need to sneeze, there is snot inside of you that is begging, pleading, tickling to be released. You so badly want to let it go. You even feel it coming. You cock your head back and begin heavily inhaling, fully prepared to blow the house down, yet nothing happens. You can’t sneeze. Not only do you now look like a complete fool in the middle of the grocery store, but you are left with this feeling of nose anxiety for the next six hours.
Whose brilliant idea was it to make straws — a tool used to transport water — out of paper? Paper and water don’t really mix, everyone knows that. Making straws out of paper is like making condoms out of mesh. You get about two sips out of a paper straw before either the hole at the top closes or the whole thing starts to look like a half-chub. Seriously, paper straws have the structural integrity of Jussie Smollett. I’m all for saving the turtles and shit, but there’s gotta be a way that doesn’t ruin my piña colada.