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Top 5 Worst Places to Get A Random Boner

As guys, we often experience uncontrollable blood flow in our underpants region that can occur at any given moment. Along with male pattern baldness and getting prostate exams, accidental boners are one of the worst parts of being a man. Here are the top five worst places to get a random erection.

Thanksgiving Dinner

Any family affair is a bad time to brick up, but the largest family gathering of the year has got to be the worst. There are too many opportunities for people to see your thing. For example, if you are too focused on hiding it, your mother will definitely blurt out in front of the whole family that you’ve been quiet and acting weird. Your grandma may request some assistance forcing you to stand up in front of the entire dinner table. Worst of all, that weird uncle that married into the family may notice and openly tease you for it in front of everyone just so people like him. There is no excuse for being sexually attracted to family members which will probably cause one of your aunts to say something like “put that away,” only for your dad to chime in with a classic “he must just be really grateful for us all.”

Disneyland

Nothing could ruin your day at “The Happiest Place on Earth” like unwanted hard-on. Disneyland is a place designed for family fun. You know what’s not conducive to family fun? You guessed it, a stranger’s erection. Imagine this: 

You are standing in line for It’s A Small World. There you are surrounded by a bunch of 4-foot tall pre-pubescent children wearing Mickey ears slobbering all over melting ice cream bars. Though it may be Jared From Subway’s dream, it is not yours. Nevertheless, you are the one with a hard penis. Pretty incriminating evidence, if I do say so myself. An angry father begins to yell. People get their phones out. You are about to go viral on Tiktok. You notice Goofy signing autographs in your eye-line and blurt out “it was Goofy, I swear!” Now you have just blamed your arousal not on small children, but a cartoon dog. Your excuse may have prevented you from joining any lists and warning your entire neighborhood of your new status, but it still makes you look like a creep.

Locker Room

In the majority of settings, your unwanted erection probably won’t even be noticed. It will cause you an unbearable amount of stress and keep your hands in your pockets for the next ten minutes, but odds are you are the only one who realizes. That is not the case in a locker room. A room full of guys is not only sure to catch what you’re hiding downstairs, but you better believe they will point it out to everyone else around. As if the embarrassment from being caught isn’t enough, it also becomes a problem of what caused your excitement. You are in a room full of dudes changing. Sweaty, possibly in good shape, athletic men in their underwear and towels surround you. There is no excuse for your sudden reaction. Not to say that being aroused by men is bad thing — because it’s not — but even if you are gay, you wouldn’t want to be caught dead with a boner looking at men that could probably beat the shit out of you. On top of all of that, there are also now a dozen guys just staring at your undersized erect penis judging your length, girth, and ability to please a woman.

Holocaust Museum

I was trying to think of somewhere sad and this was the saddest place I could think of. There is no good reason to show any emotion other than grief in the Holocaust Memorial Museum let alone happiness. A display of excitement coming from your pants is not only inappropriate, but down right despicable. Regardless of your intention to remain soft throughout the exhibit, parading around with a bulge exudes the idea that you are thrilled by your soundings. This signals one of two things to the people around you: either you are sexually attracted to Adolf Hitler, the most evil man to ever walk the face of the Earth, or are aroused by his ideals. Either way, not cool.

In The Middle Of A Conga Line

This one shouldn’t need much explanation. You are in a single-file line, hands on each other’s shoulders like a human train. You have no hands to cover up your sharp weapon and even worse there is a chance you poke the person in front of you. As people dance to the rhythm of the music, there is sure to be sudden movements that cause accidental bumps. Problematically for you, your bump radius just extended by three inches.

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Written by Alex Becker

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