This one is simple. We all do it. And some of them just hit exponentially different. Here is a list of top five poops.
This one is a little gross. But it is one of my favorite poops for a reason. The period you spend killing time at the airport is a weird layer of hell. It’s also the place you go before spending five hours in the sky with a glorified red solo cup as a toilet. After buying nineteen dollars worth of Chick-Fil-A and enough beer to keep you drunk for your entire flight, you still might find yourself with some time on your hands. This is a perfect time to go drop a grumper. If it’s not too busy you should have a selection of toilets to find the cleanest one.
Walking into your friend’s house, or preferably their parent’s house, and handling your business like you own the place is a pretty awesome feeling. This poop is reserved for the friend with the immaculate bathroom setup. Maybe you find a chance to sneak into their parent’s master bath, where the toilet paper has a ply for each of LeBron’s rings. A cushy rug surrounding the toilet is another thing to stay on the look out for. Either way, going to a clean, well-kept bathroom feels like playing 18 rounds at Augusta.
The first poop you take while traveling in a foreign country is always a great experience. When you finish your travel experience, and finally settle into your exotic pooper and unload it feels fantastic. Not only do you unload the weight you’ve been carrying around all day, it feels like you marked your territory on a new place. This is probably the poop on the list that comes with the most power.
The work poop is great for so many reasons. It’s the only poop on the list you get paid to do. It also means you’re not doing your job. My last job was as a line cook at a dive bar. I still loved stepping out and dropping mud for fifteen minutes. The toilet was not the best, and I would typically come back to people waiting for food, but it didn’t matter to me. It’s a constitutional loophole that you get to stop working every now and again to take a dump, and they still have to pay you for it.
No poop compares. This is the singular best poop of the year, every year. When I was a kid, the most exciting holiday of the year was Christmas. Now it’s Thanksgiving. You could say it’s because of the feast it’s known for. But I think it’s because I currently get more excited seeing my post-Thanksgiving poop that I did opening presents as a kid. After the destruction I do to my body with Thanksgiving dinner, it’s only right that the unloading that follows is historically glorious.