As a recent college graduate who has now officially entered the real world, I face many new obstacles and challenges. While things like making money, learning what taxes are, and waking up before noon have been difficult transitions for me to make, they are not even close to the hardest change I’ve needed to make in my post-grad life. Undoubtedly the most frustrating adjustment I’ve needed to make has been learning what alcoholic drinks are socially acceptable for a 22-year-old man.
In college, you go to dark, dirty bars with bartenders that aren’t even legal to drink themselves. It’s a place where you can order a rum & coke and somehow seem sophisticated. Vodka redbulls reign supreme and no one would ever bat an eye at someone ordering drinks with absurd names like mindrape or blueballz. That’s not the way it is in real society.
See, in an actual bar with people who have jobs and 401Ks, men are supposed to order things like manhattans or gin & tonics. Both of these things taste like the bottom of a homeless man’s foot. Women, on the other hand, get to enjoy drinks like vodka crans and espresso martinis that taste nothing like alcohol. I’ll be completely honest with you all right now: I hate alcohol. Well, the taste at least. I love the fact it allows me to forget I lack the abilities to please a woman and makes me more social, but no matter how many times my grandfather calls me a “pansy” I just can’t stomach a whiskey neat. I’m the type of guy that likes piña coladas and dirty shirleys, but I’ve recently learned those are not suitable for a man. So, after some hands-on research, I have compiled four drinks for dudes that seem socially normal and don’t burn your intestines.
This drink is an absolute hack. It tastes like lemonade, but has whiskey in it, giving the illusion that your penis may actually be above three inches. As someone who has been sitting at a constant 2.75in since 8th grade and loves lemonade, I can confidently say this drink is where it’s at. It genuinely tastes good, comes in the same glass as all other whiskey drinks, and won’t cause your uncle to make any homosexual innuendos about you.
For those of you that don’t like the taste of beer, grow up. Personally, I’m not the biggest beer guy in the world (I hope that doesn’t get me fired), but I can still manage to kill a six pack if need be. That said, if you really can’t stand the taste of liquid wheat, please know that seltzers are not an appropriate substitute. Instead, try hard ciders. Not only do they look just like beer, but they taste like apple juice. What’s better than apple juice? Sparkling apple juice that makes me think I can dance well.
This is mainly to be ordered when you are at a sit-down bar or restaurant, not really a walking around type of beverage, but boy do they slap. Mules are vodka with ginger beer and maybe some other leaf type things. If you are unfamiliar with ginger beer, it’s like ginger ale but acceptable to be consumed by adults. The drink as a whole is tasty, well respected, and even comes in its own special glass. It’s not the manliest drink in the world, but it’s decently respectable. In most cases, if you order a mule first, someone else at your table will surely follow suit. Nothing better than being a trendsetter.
While hard to come by, a boozy milkshake is always fair play. Everyone likes ice cream, so if someone makes fun of you just know that they’re wildly jealous of your order. This is probably the most delicious alcoholic drink you can find and sure to get some attention from women who want to try a sip. If you let them use your straw it’s almost like second-hand kissing (winky face).