Top Ten Lies I Tell My Roommates

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The last bottle of beer in the refrigerator

No one is perfect. We all lie sometimes. Whether it’s as a result of embarrassment, ego protection, or fun, we all do it. The one group of people I lie to the most, are my roommates. Being around someone on a daily basis makes me want to test their ability to pick up on my bullshit. As a result, I lie to my roommates on a daily basis. Here are ten of my favorites. 

“Yes, I filled the brita.”

No, I did not fill the brita. I’m not even sure how to. 

“No, I didn’t eat your Chipotle leftovers.”

Yes, I did. But you’re too cheap for guac so who’s really in the wrong here. 

“No, I didn’t touch your beers. I think I saw Roommate X with them though.”

Yeah, he touched those beers when he moved my empties to the trash. Write your name on them if they’re so important.

“Yeah, we have milk.”

No, I finished it yesterday. Enjoy putting tap water on your Cap’n Crunch though.

“That girl you brought over was really hot.”

For you she was.

“That girl you brought over wasn’t that hot.”

She looks like Margot Robbie enrolled in college and you don’t deserve her so get gaslit, loser.

“No, I don’t know how that dog got in the house.”

I wanted him to help me pick up girls at the park, and knew what your answer was going to be.

“No, I don’t know what happened to the living room either.”

This is kind of true, except I know it started with me getting black out drunk. 

“Yeah, you turned the stove off.”

No, you didn’t. But neither did the protagonist from Fight Club, and things worked out ok for him. 

“No, I didn’t use your tooth brush.”

I lost mine when I brought it on vacation and haven’t bought a new one in the past two weeks.  

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