Adulthood sucks. Well, I assume it does because I’m not even fully an adult yet and I already hate my life. Not like I need to listen to a Logic song or anything that extreme, but I do severely miss my childhood. I think we all miss that time in our lives when our only worry was how we were going to manage carrying our three-fold science fair project around school. It’s not just that I miss being free of responsibility, my life right now isn’t very intense either. It’s more that life as a kid is better because there’s more stuff for you to do. When you grow up, you realize the only activities you truly enjoy are eating and drinking. As a kid, there were so many different things for you to do, buy, and play with. Here are the best things we all miss from our childhood.
How come puzzles nowadays have like 10,000 pieces? I don’t have that kind of patience or intelligence. Us fairly stupid people need an inbetween puzzle that’s a little too challenging for children but significantly easier than matching up thousands of singular fish scales. I’d love a puzzle with like 50 pieces, big enough so even my mom can see what’s on each piece without using a flashlight, but too long to hold the attention span of someone wearing pull-ups.
I remember growing up idolizing two fictional Italian plumber brothers who could do anything from fight giant dragon turtles to participate in the Olympic Games. Mario used to dominate the video game world with classics such as Super Sluggers, Super Strikers, and Mario Sunshine. That’s not even mentioning any of his world class celebrations. Now, yes Mario Kart and Super Smash Bros. still exist, but Nintendo is not releasing the same high-quality gaming they used to. I mean just two years ago they released a game called Paper Mario: The Origami King. I haven’t played so tell me if I’m wrong, but that just sounds boring. Origami is a last resort for fun if you’re in an environment with little resources like synagogue or jury duty. Who wants to fold virtual paper? Sounds like the next installment of Cooking Mama, but instead of targeting girls, they’re targeting sheltered Japanese children.
I don’t mean ordering from the kids’ menu, although I do frequently get two kids’ meals instead of one adult meal, I’m just talking about the physical paper kids’ menu at restaurants. I’m no artist, but crayons, word searches, and tic-tac-toe are way more fun than sitting silently pretending to be busy on your phone while you wait for the food to come out. No one wants to talk to the person they’re eating with until absolutely necessary, I get that, but scrolling through your camera roll while your friend responds to their snapchat streaks is way less entertaining than unraveling the crayon out of it’s paper to roll it on its side and reveal the texture of the table.
Have you ever seen a group of 12-year-old boys playing Mad Libs? It’s utter chaos. You end up with sentences like “the uncircumcised monkey went to the North Korea to motorboat 69 lavender vaginas.” I don’t care how old you are, that’s peak comedy.
As a chunky jew, I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I miss free candy day. The only reason adults don’t trick-or-treat is because society says so, and if I’ve learned anything since entering this decade it’s that society sucks and doesn’t know anything. I understand I could just buy myself an entire bag of candy, but it’s not just about that. Trick-or-treating is so much more than candy. There’s the excitement of knocking on strangers doors, dressed up as someone you’re not, getting to escape from your mundane life and be someone totally different for a night. Okay, actually that sounds a little sad reading it back. But Halloween does have ghouls. Who doesn’t love ghouls?
I promise you remember these but not the name. These are the plates that used to be shaped like animals that had compartments for sauce in the ears. If you were/are a dino nugget connoisseur like myself, you know that eating on these plates makes for an optimal dining experience. No more fear of tendies ever sliding into sauce or sauces mixing together, and honestly they’re just downright fun. I could eat on a normal plate and have no issue whatsoever, but enjoying your meal while a frog smiles back at you is scientifically proven to cure depression. ZooPals were discontinued by Hefty in 2006, around the same time mental health became a massive problem in America. Coincidence? I think not.
Pissing Your Bed
There is nothing I hate more than getting up in the middle of the night to take a piss. I’m not advocating to piss your bed every night, just when necessary. Imagine it’s a cold winter night, you’re bundled up in bed just starting to get comfy after tossing and turning for hours on end. Suddenly, your bladder feels fuller than a Lady Gaga concert in San Francisco. You can either get up, ruin your comfort, and expose yourself to the freezing air while you trot to the bathroom down the hall, or you could deal with it tomorrow all while warming up a tad more. Yes, society will tell you to choose option A, but you know damn well in your heart and soul that logically option B makes more sense. Don’t let society drag you down. In the words of great poet Robert Frost, “take the other path.”