Totally Legitimate First Week Of Class Advice For Incoming Freshmen

You’ve made it through the first couple days alone and hopefully went to all the freshman introduction events, as they are vital to your education and will only better your school experience.

Now it’s Monday. You’re up bright and early organizing your notebooks and textbooks that you ordered a month ago. It’s important to be at class 20 minutes early; this extra time allows for you to get yourself set up and ready for class. This will show your professor that you are dedicated and ready, as they usually show up that early as well.

If you’re a big dummy and didn’t look at a campus map beforehand, you have no idea where your buildings are. So what you want to do is get a big campus map and take it with you. You’ll get a better idea of where you are as well as gain a familiarity with the campus. And don’t be afraid to open it real big and study that badboy real good so you always know exactly where you are at all times.

One you’ve found your building and are in your classroom, pick a seat right in the front row specifically for one purpose: to maintain eye contact with your professor. It’ll display your lack of fear. This will make them remember you when you inevitably ask them to bring your grade from a D to a B.

Now here is my personal favorite part of first classes: the ice breakers. Most people hate the “name, major, where you’re from, and a fun fact,” but if you do it right, you’ll be an absolute rock star. Throw in some outlandish humor for your fun fact. Maybe say how many things you can fit in your butt or that you hold a world record — perhaps for fitting stuff in your butt. Make it interesting, engage the crowd and get a good laugh. You’ll be the go-to funny guy for the rest of the semester and everyone — including the teacher — will love you.

A bonus move that will earn you respect is to walk into class with your earbuds in while blasting music so absurdly loud that the entire class can hear it when you walk in and sit down. You want them hearing only the bass over and over with a hint of lyrics every now and then. You’ll be colder than ice.

I hope these tips help you kill your first week of classes. You’ll learn as you go, and remember kids: the freshman 15 is just a myth..

Note: this article is from the archives, originally published August, 2018. Here’s a comment that I thought was too funny not to include:

“At my first class icebreaker I told them how much stuff I could fit in my butt. After class the Pike rush chairman came up to me and handed me a bid letter. Telling people how much stuff I can fit in my butt has been my go-to move ever since.” – Blowjob420, August 5th, 2018.