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Trader Joe’s Frozen Aisle Do’s Don’ts

Mochi:

This is the best dessert on this list when done right, but Trader Joe’s mochi is also a gamble. For those of you who have never had mochi, it tastes like a delicious ice-cream-filled breast implant, and it’s slowly becoming one of the most popular desserts in America. What you will want to do with Trader Joe’s mochi is put it in the freezer and then take it out six minutes before eating it. No more, no less. Six minutes. You cannot keep this in your freezer for more than two days, or else it develops Hepatitis B. Two days, six minutes.

Gone Bananas:

These are incredible. Liking bananas and chocolate together says a lot about a specific kind of person who has most likely done some naughty things in Fort Lauderdale or wants to. This is what gone berry crazy wants to be, but it executes, much like the thot versions of Livvy Dune, berry crazy just falls short. You have time to eat these, so there’s no rush, and if you want a little something sweet in the middle of the day, pop a handful.

Lemon Bars:

Lemon Bars are a dessert that makes me think of someone with a bad home life staying with their friend whfose parents actually love them in high school. If you like lemon bars, you have a winner here with a caveat. You must eat these frozen, microwaving Trader Joe’s lemon bars is a sin or haram or transphobic, or whatever religious-thing you have going on. 

Macarons:

Macarons are a dessert for a certain kind of person who likes to think they are better than me but are not because they choose to eat overpriced, aesthetically pleasing chalk. I will say anybody who likes macarons always has a beautifully decorated apartment, but I also don’t think they would be buying their macarons from Trader Joe’s.

Brownie Crisp Coffee Ice Cream Sandwiches:

This is the best dessert at Trader Joe’s, and it’s time that it gets its recognition. I’ve put you guys on a lot of stuff throughout this series, but I can’t speak highly enough about this ice cream sandwich. Taking my first bite of this reminds me of my theater kid sister’s first time watching Hamilton or my alt-right brother’s first time on opensecrets.com-can’t recommend it enough.

Cheesecake:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again- it’s a good, cheap cheesecake that should be consumed over a week or amongst friends. We don’t need to be eating this in one sitting. Put some fresh fruit and whipped cream on this, and you have a dessert that will make any guest think that you really care about them, even if you don’t. 

Gone Berry Crazy:

Strawberrys have to be cooled, not frozen- big difference. Taking a bite into one of these feels like walking through TSA at five in the morning as an ex-Dthree football player whose dreams were flushed down the toilet screams belts off, electronics out of the bag. It’s a jarring experience that will make you wish you could fast forward. If you’re going to eat chocolate-covered strawberries, get them locally or from a grocery store in the wealthiest town around your area of the state. Strawberries are delicate and need to be handled properly; they are the fruit most similar to a bi-polar teenager. If you neglect them by throwing them in the freezer, the outcome will not be good for anybody. 

Mini Hold The Cone:

These fuel white women all over the world. If this treat could talk, it would probably use the parlance of its gay best friend, who originally stole it from a black woman. This dessert is like Taylor Swift; yes, many of its fans are mentally-ill psychopaths, but a majority are great people who love it for a reason, because it’s the best. 

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