Translating Your Girlfriend’s News: British Royal Coronation

News today is bullshit. It’s a whole lot more uplifting to follow sports scores and movie updates then what’s actually affecting the world we live in. But to add another layer of complexity to this equation, men and women are paying attention to entirely different circles of the world, so it can be tough to find common ground. I’ve decided that I’ve seen too many young men attempt to rizz by describing the emotional climax to Avengers: Endgame. As a result, I feel the need to translate the events happening on their Twitter feed, so we can all find a conversational middle ground. 

Today’s News: Prince Harry will be attending the coronation of his father, King Charles III, without his family. Wow, big deal, right? It actually is pretty significant. I mean, no one’s life is going to be seriously affected by this news, but this is huge in the world of British Royal nonsense. Here’s what you actually need to know about this. 

Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle had a role as senior members of the royal family, and decided to step away in 2020. Harry and Meghan have since had a rocky relationship with the royal family, with Harry’s brother William supposedly being the angriest.  Since then, he has had minimal involvement with his family, but he has gained a lot of public attention from talking about the situation. The most recent update comes as the news broke that he is willing to attend the coronation ceremony to make his father King, but his wife and children will not be present. 

This is like the group chat you’ve been in with your boys for so long you don’t remember the inspiration of its name. You and your boys are the royal family. Prince Harry is like the friend your mom likes the most, and when he got a girlfriend, the group dynamic was off. Meghan Markle is that girlfriend. You guys tried to be welcoming and polite, but let’s face it: you and your friends are all assholes, so she hates you. She’ll quietly talks to her boyfriend every time they’re out with the group, and it makes them both so boring. Everyone resents her for it, and you all long for the time you spent undisturbed with your pal. Over time, she became a bigger and bigger part of his life, to the point that his inclusion in the group is symbolic, and you only see him come around for big occasions. Basically, the King Charles’ coronation is like the glue guy’s birthday. Everyone gets excited, but the bonus friend shows up by himself. He makes an excuse for his girlfriend and no one buys it. You and your boys feel saddened by the ghost of a friend that you once had.

Clearly this is an emotional moment for the royal family and their devoted fans. Give them some sympathy in this imaginary time of need. 

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Written by TFM

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