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Avid Snapchat Users are Criminals

You see the guy in the photo above, the one filming himself holding the sparkler?

That guy sucks.

If you are an avid user of Snapchat, (that’s right, I said user, like how a medical professional would describe someone who has a drug addiction) and you take any of my critical comments personally, then you are truly lost. I’m sorry, but your rights to be offended by my critical remarks regarding your Snapchat use were forfeited long ago.

Snapchat is pathetic. I thought we were done using grainy photos of our laptop desktop or a blurry selfie of half of our face for communication purposes, but I guess most of us still haven’t graduated sophomore year of high school

Christ.

I’m not calling for the damn app to be outlawed (although I wouldn’t be opposed) I’m just saying there are certainly positive correlations between people using snapchat a lot and shitty people. Thus, to see how shitty of a person you are from your Snapchat use alone, I have conducted a personal evaluation report. It’s a crime report, with math and science to back it up.

If you are guilty of any of the true crimes I list below… maybe sit down and use this quarantine as a period of self-reflection. You need to be better. I’m not mad— I’m just disappointed in your parents for NOT raising you right. 

If you are guilty of half of the crimes below… I’d really be concerned for your safety at this point, as someone with a broken heart might be sharpening a knife at this very moment. 

Now, if you are guilty of ALL of these crimes… I hope with a full heart that you get what’s coming. Why? Because you are a thoroughbred piece of shit.

True Crime #1:

“A snap score of 1,000,000”

This one should be obvious. You snap so many fucking people…. all the fucking time. Now, don’t get too down on yourself, as you weren’t in this alone. A snap score is defined by snaps you send and receive, just so you know that it was a group effort to turn you into a piece of shit. 

Think about this. Snapchat didn’t become popular until October of 2013, where the creators first introduced the ‘story’ feature. This is when the app truly took off. Now, I know some people with a current snap score of at least 1,000,000 didn’t start their snapping careers right when Snapchat became popular, but for the sake of this argument, let’s just pretend that all current users with a snap score of at least a mil started in October of 2013. Let’s also assume that every user can only be active for 17 hours in a day, as they spend the other 7 hours a day sleeping (hopefully). That means for the past 7 and a quarter years, you’ve sent and received around 136,986 snaps a year, 375 snaps a day, 22 snaps an hour, and almost 1 snap every 3 minutes. Wow. 

Math, bitch!

Your life literally exists around Snapchat, therefore you probably aren’t very fun to be around in person. This data above is generous, as this counts for anyone who started snapping as early as October of 2013. If your score reached a mil after starting any later than this date, then your daily numbers are even more disgusting. 

Not to mention, think about everyone you snap. You can only have so many significant others, as well as so many people that you actually enjoy conversing with. And it’s not like you’re snapping just these people. With these numbers, you must be snapping damn near EVERYONE. 

Which brings us to our next crime.

True Crime #2:

“Beat The Streaks”

In the distant world of sports, streaks of any kind can be somewhat of an achievement. A long lasting conversation over snapchat is not an achievement. This is an addiction fueled by some sort of surreal gratification of being important to said person. The key word is surreal. Nothing about Snapchat is real… so conversations dedicated to having a streak, where you literally count the days of communication upwards from zero, must be as fake as the Fyre Festival. All you’re doing is sending a daily snap of your face, your dog, or your foot just so that the recipient can open it and send something similar! 

And then you just do it again. Run it back! This cycle continues until one person finally gets tired of it, holds off from snapping that person that day… but then restarts this process the next day. 

Rinse and repeat. 

I just don’t understand why people do this. I mean, I guess can relate to having a couple streaks. Hell, maybe even one streak for each of your closest friends, as perhaps this is the crazy and bizarre certification that you needed to have with your friend for it to be official that you two were close. Jesus, I mean if that’s the case, then you are really are a twisted fuck. 

But I can at least understand that. What I don’t understand is when I see people scroll 2-3 times on their snapchat feed revealing a seemingly endless ledger of streaks. 

“Oh, you’re curious to see if I still have a streak with this one dude I met from freshmen orientation who asked what the move was for that night? Fuck yeah we have a streak. Have I seen him on campus since? Nope.”

“Oh, are you asking about my lab partner from high school chemistry who I always got the homework from? You bet your sweet ass we got a streak. Have I ever asked him a single question about his personal life? Negative.”

“Oh, how about that one person I met at the Shell gas station who I messaged to make me my first fake ID when I was 17 years old. Hell ya, that streak is still cookin.”

See, the problem is that I know at least 10 girls all in different time zones across the country who can relate to any of the scenarios listed above. They are also the same chicks that lead on some simp with a snap score of 15,000 for like 3 months before they finally leave the poor guy on read, right after he makes his first move. 

Godspeed.

All-you-can-eat-streaks lead to an obnoxious snap score, such as one that exceeds a million.  And behind every obnoxious snap score, there is always a sender that says, “You’re the only person I’m talking to,” and a recipient with a broken heart. 

For those recipients who played with fire by flirting with someone repping 80 streaks, just wear clown makeup all the time. It’s easier that way.

True Crime #3:

“Saying UPDATE on a snap story”

Jesus Christ, these people are the worst. They really should just collect all these people and ship them off to a farm. The rest of society would fucking thrive without them.

These are the same type of people that feel the need to repost every single time that they are tagged in someone else’s instagram story. Birthdays are a fucking nightmare. If I click on someone’s instagram story and I see that it is their birthday, but I have to click through 30 more reposts of other people’s birthday-wish-stories, I start seeing red. 

Not just “I’m angry,” kind of red. 

More Like, “Henry, put down the spear and let the mailman go,” kind of red.

If someone posts a funny snap story, congrats. Sometimes people are made aware that their post was funny, “OMG so funny HAHAHA miss you!!!,” so they get this genius idea to post something similar, kind of like a sequel. Usually this just runs the joke right into the ground. It happens, we aren’t all comedians. But when someone posts damn near BLOGS on their story, keeping us current with what’s going on like a news reporter, that’s also when I begin to see red.

UPDATE! Breaking news! 

No. None of that. God, that’s so cringey. It actually hurts my teeth to see people write UPDATE on their stories. Like who the fuck actually needs an update on your girls’ night out or what’s going on in the uber. Like honestly, if there was actually something serious going down, you’d call 911. You wouldn’t spend time writing a caption and then placing it to an appropriate spot on the post so that people can read it while still being able to view most of what was filmed or captured.

Don’t give me an update on how drunk someone is getting over the course of the night. 

What are you, TMZ? No press. 

True Crime #4:

“Stop Filming Concerts”

If you are guilty of this crime, you have all of quarantine to think about how wrong you were to do this. You’re probably the same type of dumbass person who is making sure that this virus is still spreading.

Holy shit, I’m sweating right now just thinking about how angry this used to make me. Stop filming and posting what you think are the coolest parts of the concert. I don’t know if you know anything about LIVE music, but the experience works best when you are THERE watching it LIVE!!!!!

If I wanted to see the concert for myself I would have bought a god damn ticket!

“Hey, Tanner, can you record multiple videos of the concert’s base drop for me?” asked by nobody ever. 

Jesus Christ, I mean if you are weirdly into watching videos of live concerts (I guess listening to the actual auditory music itself just doesn’t cut it anymore) then go to YouTube and search for it there. There are hired professionals who film, edit, and produce videos of live concerts all the time. Don’t watch the grainy video that your buddy, who was tripping SACK, filmed on his fucking iPhone.   

And stop flexing too. It’s bad enough that everytime someone goes on a vacation they just have to let EVERYONE know how successful they are with a little story post that they made it to the Bahamas and they have a fucking killer view of the ocean. But filming and posting multiple videos of the concert and then broadcasting it LIVE on your snap story, that’s criminal.

“Thanks for posting that video of the concert on your story, Trevor, it’s like I got to see it for free!” Also said by no one ever.

In conclusion, Snapchat sucks and slowly we are becoming even more self-centered and shittier people because of it. I pretty much don’t use it at all, EXCEPT to message my colleague, Igor, who I buy Krokodil from.

But it seems that a great majority of youth still use Snapchat, so if they can’t quit altogether, perhaps they can be better about their usage.

Hopefully you read this and weren’t guilty of any of these crimes in recent instances. But if you made it through this blog and found yourself guilty of most or all of these crimes, and you aren’t willing to change… go have sex with yourself, you self-centered cockrag. And I hope you catch some nasty STI while you’re doing it. Lord knows you deserve it.

What do you think?

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Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

One Comment

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  1. This reminds me of that song….

    Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo
    Maybe go to my place and just kick it like TaeBo
    And possibly bend you over look back and watch me

    SNAP CHAT! all on the floor
    SNAP CHAT! give me some more
    SNAP CHAT!’till you get sore
    SNAP CHAT! oh-oh!

    Must be about premium snapchat
    haha I’m gonna put that on Facebook.

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