Two Things I’ve Learned From Millennials

There will never be a generation like Millennials. If Boomers are HIV, Millenials are the medication that pops up on TV that starts off with a happy guy jogging and ends with side effects that include not being able to pee, drink, eat, think, swim, talk, walk, jump, hump that leaves you thinking holy shit, I think I’d rather just have the virus. I’m not saying all Millennials are bad, but everyone has a cousin or neighbor that’s thirty-two writing a think piece about how Ezra Miller is actually brave, and we have this situation all wrong. They occupied Wall Street and then voted for Hillary Clinton; here are some things I’ve learned from them

Don’t Love Yourself Too Much:

Something I’m grateful for is that millennials had the initial awkward conversations about mental health and the necessity of taking care of yourself. Kind of like the first time your Mom saw your older brother’s internet history. They made that conversation a lot easier for many of us. It’s essential to learn to like yourself. That being said, these motherfuckers loved themselves. The men that feared commitment and just wanted to have fun are now in their late thirties with their hair thinning, reading 12 Rules For Life, and going to bed alone. And the women? They didn’t want to settle for anybody. They looked for every single red flag, wanted a guy that was strong but not too strong, wanted a guy that was emotional but not too emotional, and now they live tweet CSPAN three glasses of white wine deep from their studio apartment couch. Settle, folks. The only people that get the Instagram model girlfriend or the six five boyfriend with assets are the lucky ones. Most of us are not. Learn to love people for things like their sense of humor or the way a single strand of hair comes down their face, and stop expecting people to be perfect, or you’ll end up alone. 

Don’t Believe In Any Institutions:

Many Millennials really rallied against organized religions for their storied corruption and abuse. These claims were factual and unfortunate in many cases and went to show that power can turn anyone into a monster regardless of the things they preach. What’s odd is to turn around after saying that and put your tongue into a cut-out picture of Dr. Fauci while “stanning” the United States Government. What I’ve learned from the generations older than me is that yeah, maybe it’s a bad idea to excuse the actions of religious groups simply because they are religious groups the same way it’s a bad idea to think that war crimes are corruption are okay when the person doing it has a uterus. Trust no institutions. 

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