Undercover Troll: USC Edition

Picking the correct college to attend can be hard. There’s a lot of factors that go into it, how expensive it will be, how close it is, what majors they offer, and how’s the overall college? These are the boring factors that you need to figure out, but what you really care about is how the parties and girls are? This is why I’m here I’m deep-diving into schools Reddits and asking people these hard-hitting questions. The first school is going to be the University of Southern California.

I open up the conversation with some basic questions and try not to scare the people away.

Bro here thankfully didn’t give me his life story. He kept it simple for answers that I didn’t care about. This was just seeing if this person would actually answer me before I hit him with the hard-hitting questions.

This is what every 17-year-old senior in high school is thinking about. So how does USC rank?

Holy shit, this guy was ready for these questions. He sent over 5 Instagram profiles of girls who looked like Instagram models. I couldn’t believe that these girls actually attended college and didn’t make millions with Instagram and OnlyFans. I’m not going to include their Instagram’s because I feel like that is going over the line for creepiness. This guy didn’t answer how the parties were but he was all about the girls.

Lucky here gave a little more detail about their experience at college, but what do they think of my other questions?

I mean, I’m going for stereotypical frat dude, so they answered that question correctly. And damn, I figured that all girls at USC wore bathing suits everywhere, but no bras that’s a plus for all stereotypical frat bros.

Lucky here has no idea what snow actually stands for. This guy must’ve never experimented with a little nose candy. Pretending that I’m from the middle of Michigan and just want to party with hot Cali girls definitely worked.

Father throwing out the humble brag that he was accepted into higher-ranked schools. It’s debatable if USC is a top sports school, especially since their football team has fallen from their dynasty, and their basketball team hasn’t had deep runs into March Madness.

This man loves the smell of his own shit. First saying that he was accepted into higher option schools, and then tossing out that he has a 10 for a girlfriend. I’m pretending to be a stereotypical dude. Of course, I care about what people look like. This guy 1000% believes that he’s a top-tier dude when in reality, he’s probably chilling in a shitty dorm with a Kate Upton poster chilling on his wall that he jerks of to every night. I love how he thinks that because USC is near LA that people care about how they look. Everybody deep down cares about how they look, from sunny LA to snowy Maine.

Zesty has no idea what P stands for. I’m assuming that he thinks it means Penis, but what does he think V stands for? I thought it was common knowledge that it was Penis to Vagina ratio. Another person that says it’s a tit school.

Holy shit, all this person is missing is a syllabus, and they would break down the entire school. If you’re looking for a real outline for the school, this person is ready, but as soon as I ask about the important things, it was crickets. This person clearly saw through my fake persona and realized I was a troll. It’s alright, other students didn’t realize and gave me enough material.

What other schools should I be an undercover troll for? This is going to be a weekly series and next week will be Mizzou.

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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