Unwritten Rules of the Road

I typically enjoy my time behind the wheel, especially if I pregame the drive, but sometimes bad drivers really ruin my fun. It seems like some people just don’t know that there are unwritten rules of the road, and those rules should be followed closer than any law our stupid government has put in place. If you suck balls at driving, here are some of those unwritten rules of the road for you to refresh yourself on. I guess now they’re written rules. Crazy how that works, huh?

Weather Does Not Determine the Speed Limit

The only time you should ever be driving below the speed limit is if there is traffic. It doesn’t matter if it’s a light drizzle or raining so hard that you can’t see what is in front of you, don’t go 35mph in a 55 zone. If you can’t handle some bad weather, stop screwing everyone else over and get off the road.

Driving Faster Than Right Lane Cars Doesn’t Mean You Should be in the Left Lane

I know that the left lane is the “passing lane.” In reality it should be called “The Lane for People Who Are Capable of Going Well Over the Speed Limit.” It’s a little wordy, but it’s a hell of a lot more accurate. Just because you like to go sixty miles per hour when the speed limit is fifty doesn’t give you the right to be in the left lane. It might take you longer to get home, but it will result in far fewer obscenities from me, who is punching the steering wheel as I drive behind you, absolutely enraged.

If Someone Is Driving Like a Maniac, Assume He Has to Poop and Get Out of the Way

A combination of poor eating habits, too much coffee, and frequent alcohol consumption has often put me into poopy scenarios that are far from ideal. I usually try to drive relatively safely, but the second I feel a log turtle-heading, that goes out the window. I’m not swerving in and out of lanes to pass cars because I want to make better time, I simply have to shit really bad. So if you see someone doing this, be a decent human being and try to help them get to a toilet as fast as possible.

Blinkers Are Optional (For Me)

I know when I’m going to turn. Why do you need to know? You following me or something? Stop beeping and go around me, jackass.

If You’re Driving Slower Than I Am, You’re a Pussy. Faster? Asshole.

This is pretty much the universal feeling of any person behind the wheel on a highway. I could be doing ninety in a sixty-five, but if you’re going eighty-nine, you better pull that tampon out and start driving like a man. I’m going seventy through a school zone, and you pass me going a hundred? Think about how dangerous that is for the children, jerk.

I Didn’t Cut You Off, You Left Too Much Room In Front of You

I’m sorry that I saw enough space to squeeze in front of you. Should I have merged a half mile back when the signs told me to? No. I knew some idiot wouldn’t be riding the person ahead of him close enough to prevent anyone from sliding in at the last minute, and that’s why I did what I did. If you don’t want me “cutting you off,” then don’t leave space between you and the person driving in front of you. Simple.

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Written by TFM

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