UT Special Teams Coaches’ Stripper Girlfriend’s Pet Monkey Attacks Child

Yes, you read that right.

There are two sides to every story, but this is a big win for Texas Special Teams coach Jeff Banks’ ex-wife, whom he recently left for a stripper named Pole Assassin. I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and say that myself, a twenty-one-year-old without kids, doesn’t see anything wrong with a Power five football coach living with a stripper that has been on The Jerry Springer Show multiple times and a monkey. What? It’s cool when Dan Bilzerian does it, but it doesn’t play when your 2-3 in the Big 12? Fuck that! Let the man live! Half of our government officials turn their heads as their Pickleball partners traffic young children, yet Twitter is shitting on a guy for living his best life. In fact, after finding this evidence

I’m on the monkey’s side. Trick or Treating isn’t that hard. Read the signs. If somebody instructs you to take one piece of candy in a basket they left out, you’re an asshole if you dump the whole thing in your pillowcase. So yeah, if there are multiple warnings to leave a pet monkey alone, don’t stick your fingers in his cage. The last thing I want is to lose another sweet prince because some white trash kid wasn’t raised correctly. RIP Harambe.

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