Come back in a week to check my score if you were looking for a reason why I will never work for ESPN. Read this blog if you need another one.
49ers vs. Giants
Saquon is out. As a result Daniel Jones and CMC will combine for 300 rushing yards. This will be more impressive considering San Francisco’s defense will likely hold Danny Dimes under fifty rushing yards.
Lions vs. Falcons
Dan Campbell doubles down on his hatred for rookie Jahmyr Gibbs, and Craig Reynolds scores two touchdowns.
Vikings vs. Chargers
Both of these teams continue their streaks of playing red hot offense and staying winless. Justin Herbert and Kirk Cousins throw for eight combined touchdowns on the way to a tie.
Packers vs. Saints
Derek Carr will play a good football game.
Jaguars vs. Texans
Josh Allen (not that one) gets two or more sacks. The first will be for Houston’s bad offensive line. The second will be as a result of CJ Stroud’s poor decision making.
Dolphins vs. Broncos
Tua is going to throw for 400 yards for the second time this season. The Broncos just allowed the world to convince itself that Sam Howell is a decent quarterback.
Browns vs. Titans
If you add up the number of passes thrown, and points scored in this game, it will be below seventy-five. Thank god there will be eight other games going on so no one will have to watch this one.
Commanders vs. Bills
There will be four interceptions in this game, and the Bills will barely win. Josh Allen will also out pass Sam Howell by 150 yards.
Ravens vs. Colts
If Anthony Richardson plays, the Colts win. If Gardner Minshew plays, this game will be boring. I’m not sure if that second part is bold, though.
Jets vs. Patriots
Zach Wilson will finally find a quarterback who pushes the ball down the field worse than he does, and the Jets will crawl to the ugliest 2-1 record ever.
Seahawks vs. Panthers
Andy Dalton will win a football game this weekend. Just kidding. The bold prediction here is that DK Metcalf plays four straight quarters without a trip to the blue tent.
Chiefs vs. Bears
Never underestimate the ability of garbage time. Justin Fields will throw for two touchdowns in this game.
Cardinals vs. Cowboys
The Cowboys will only win by thirty-five points.
Raiders vs. Steelers
There will be zero passing touchdowns through the air, and the Pittsburgh defense will score another touchdown.
Eagles vs. Buccaneers
Baker Mayfield will make me cry real tears.
Bengals vs. Rams
Joe Burrow and Matt Stafford will combine for 700 passing yards. The Puka Nacua show will keep rolling.
