Where I Think NFL Coaches Would Be Without Football

Kyle Shanahan:

Kyle built a life for himself in the suburbs of Colorado Springs, where he worked in tech sales until COVID hit. Quarantining with his wife and two-year-old drove him crazy, so he uprooted everything to move to San Diego without his family. He has contracted HPV since. 

Sean Payton:

Sean and his partner are at a crossroads. Being that they are Gen X members of the LGBTQ community, they are well aware of how much fighting went into making America a country where people can feel proud loving whoever they want. Conversely, they finally made the move from San Francisco after twenty-five years because of the city’s issues, and they aren’t exactly comfortable with what’s going on in schools. He’s always identified with gay causes, but he finds himself identifying with Vivek Ramaswamy more and more (he also finds him cute). The only thing Payton loves more than his Vilebrequin bathing suits is his fur baby, Milo. 

Bill Belichick:

Bill didn’t cry when he finally retired from commercial fishing; his eyes didn’t even dampen when his wife had walked away thirty years earlier, but the day he found out what his granddaughter was putting up her nose at Boulder, he wept like a baby. Years of hard work just for her to snort the opportunities he gave her away- what a travesty. He is the head chancellor of the Croatian Society of New England, and he drives drunk twice a week. 

Mike McDaniel:

A child of the ’90s, Mike always stayed up to date with new and evolutionary tech. This fascination brought him to New York in October of 2011 for the first-ever Bitcoin Conference. Mike forged relationships there that would lead him to dump his entire inheritance into Ethereum early on. By the fall of 2021, Mike had a Discord community with over 100,000 members and a net worth just shy of nine figures. He now resides in Puerto Rico, where he lives next to the Paul brothers. 

Sean McDermott:

Everything in the McDermott household was perfect. Through years of hard work and discipline, Sean and his wife were able to purchase a four-bedroom house for their family in St. Stephen, Minnesota. McDermott was always a by-the-book guy who saw the best in people. That was until November 2018 when The Miami Herald reported their breakout story on Jeffrey Epstein. Between the lockdowns and the realization he was living in a twisted society, McDermott began spending many of his evenings on message boards and reading about George Soros. He is now in federal prison for his actions on Jan 6, 2021. 

Shane Steichen: 

Shane doesn’t mind that he and his girlfriend have a fourteen-year-age difference; to him, love is about two souls connecting. Sure, it’s a little weird that they met when she was a college intern at his real estate firm, but love is love. While he’s her financial support system right now, when her Instagram reels featuring some of Austin’s best starter-home options start taking off, he’s sure she will start paying for dinners. His only pet peeve? He doesn’t like that she plays TikToks at full volume when they lie beside each other in bed.

Arthur Smith: 

Arthur Smith is the biggest try-hard at his Knoxville-based law firm, and that’s saying something. His co-workers call him Harvey Spectrum behind his back. He loves a hot-tempered misogynistic rant and his nearby Buc-ees location. 

Pete Carroll: 

Pete Carroll made a lot of money as a medical director in Palo Alto, California. Despite living in a three-million-dollar home, Pete and his wife consider themselves staunch Democrats. He retired ten years ago and is currently sitting on his couch, with his foot propped up on a pillow, nursing a pickle-ball-related ankle injury. His hobbies include spending time with his four grandchildren and tweeting at Kyle Rittenhouse. 

Andy Reid:

In reality, Andy Reid eats at the White House buffet when the Chiefs win Super Bowls, but in my mind, he looks like the kind of guy who scoots his way over to the buffet on an Impractical Jokers cruise for seconds. 

Doug Pederson:

An ex-varsity athlete in high school, Doug Pederson tries his best to hold a job as a pharmaceutical salesman (his wife is the family’s breadwinner). Nostalgic of the good times, Doug does everything he can to cement himself as the cool Dad. Sadly for Doug, big tech can be a real party pooper. A TikTok video of him shotgunning in front of a bunch of his son’s fifteen-year-old friends has gone viral, and his wife’s friends have many questions. He keeps getting calls from his lawyer, but Five More Minutes is blasting in the speakers of his leased 2016 Ford F-250, and he’s too busy to answer.

Mike McCarthy:

Mike is a Father of three girls. While his life isn’t the most fast-paced or exciting, he’ll be sure to tell his neighbors that his cardiologist suggested he switch from beers to red wine, and he doesn’t hate it! His hobbies include falling asleep with golf on, playing with the golden retriever he was hesitant to adopt in the first place, and talking about the gold standard. He loves his alma mater (University of Wisconsin) and his Blackstone flat top. 

Frank Reich:

Frank Reich is the coolest high school history substitute teacher on the West side of the Mississippi. 

Matt Eberflus:

On paper, Matt is the total package. He inherited a string of Wendy’s franchises all around the Midwest, he’s eloquent, and divorced women find him to be a very good listener. That being said, his racquetball buddies have noticed that no woman ever stays past the four-month mark with him. They think it’s because he doesn’t want kids or something, but the actual reason lies in his obsession with World War II. He doesn’t like World War II in a history-buff way; he likes World War II in a way that suggests the world missed out on something. Don’t ask him what’s in the trunk under his bed unless you really want to know the truth about him. Other than that, he’s a nice enough guy. 

Dan Campbell:

It’s not possible to imagine Dan Campbell doing anything unrelated to football. 

Josh McDaniels:

Josh McDaniels has been afraid of commitment since the day he was born; it’s why his girlfriend throughout his twenties left him. While he’s bounced around the country during his tenure as a golf pro, if he could be anywhere in the world, it would be Scottsdale, Arizona. In spite of his receding hairline, he often finds himself in college-aged bars, and he takes pride in being told he’s the only person there lying about his age to make himself younger. 

Dennis Allen:

Dennis Allen is a senior Geek Squad agent at Best Buy, a position he’s had for the last eight years. He doesn’t keep in contact with any family and lives a very quiet life. He becomes outraged when anybody comes close to his own personal laptop. He claims he isn’t hiding anything. The federal agents watching his computer history disagree. He’s no longer allowed to see his nieces. 

Brian Daboll:

Brian Daboll and his unreasonably good-looking wife live in a mid-century modern house in Mountain Lakes, New Jersey. When he’s not discretely popping supplements his holistic wife saw from a podcast in the bathroom of his regional Edward Jones, you can find him mountain biking and hunting. He has one step-son named Matthew, whose deciding whether or not he wants to play Division Three lacrosse or attend High Point.

Robert Saleh:

EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY – AUGUST 19: Head Coach Robert Saleh of the New York Jets follows the action during the game between the Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs the New York Jets at MetLife Stadium on August 19, 2023 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Al Pereira/Getty Images)

Robert Saleh is one of the best Steamfitters in Cedar Rapids. While he’s had a herniated disk in his back for years, he’s never accepted pain medication because he’s seen the toll it’s taken on guys in his Union. You’ll only catch him wearing a tie once a year for his Union’s mid-September retirees’ breakfast,. He likes a cold beer, model trains, and watching the cult classic movie Most Valuable Primate with his children on Tubi. 

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