Meet Harry Raftus: a Phi Delt that goes to an unnamed school in California who has blown up on Tik Tok for being good-looking and shotgunning pretty much any alcohol you can find in a can. From what I’ve heard from people that know him, he’s actually a pretty cool kid, but based on the fact that he makes more money than any of you reading this for shotgunning white claws shirtless and fucking hot girls, we hate him. And I’ll be the first to admit that it’s because we’re jealous. This kid is living the dream with a mid-shotty time.
A week ago, I was walking to my friend’s house with four beers in my hand because I couldn’t find a bag when a bunch of youths yelled out from across the street, “yo Raftus, four beers, that’s fucking sick, bro.” I was stunned. I felt like the poor unfortunate soul that brought beans to watch Cars 2. I had been chirped by four kids that were MAYBE old enough to Western Union money to China for their first Fake IDs. The worst part was, I knew I had been chirped, but I didn’t really grasp what it meant. Fast forward a few days later, my friend’s little brother posted a picture of him and his boys holding beers at what looked like a high school graduation party. I was going to comment, congrats pussy your Mom is still hot when I saw the top comment that read, “Miller Tall Boys? That’s so Raftus of you bro.” It all clicked.
Getting “Raftused” is the new getting dunked on. It’s like calling somebody a hardo, but somehow so much worse. And once you’ve been Raftused, you want to Raftus other people, just to get that old Raftus off of you. It’s like the college version of the cheese touch. As soon as I got Raftused, I had to Raftus my boy that doesn’t have a Tik Tok account. He didn’t even know what it meant. He just saw people laughing at him and wanted to beat the shit out of me. At this point, I get anxious just holding a can of White Claw. And even if I am holding a can, I open it immediately. We have to be careful this summer. I haven’t seen an epidemic quite like this since my friends realized pantsing each other was hilarious in the sixth grade.
Be careful out there, boys. Don’t try and do too much. I wouldn’t want what happened to me to happen to any of you. I just want Raftusing to stop before somebody gets hurt. And on a serious note, Harry Raftus doesn’t deserve this. What did the kid do wrong? He simply shotguns beers and fucks Instagram models. Any of us would do the same.
Be safe.
-Birdlaw
