What the Age You Lost Your Virginity at Says About You


At least one of the people in this sexual encounter was mentally ill.


During eighth grade, when you had that dreaded health class where you were told by an out of shape middle aged man who doubled as a gym teacher about the birds and the bees, you got excited. You felt that now all of your peers were aware that sex was more than getting naked and laying bed, you were on the clock to do the deed. You were probably the first person in high school to try weed, alcohol, and psychedelics. This is probably the age Sean Connery lost his virginity.


This is probably the age that most people wish they lost their virginity. It means you didn’t wait too long to abandon whatever religious principles you were likely raised under, and also weren’t afraid to talk to women from a young age. This is probably the age Matt Damon lost his virginity at. 


You came into high school with a desperation to hit puberty. Maybe you needed to shed some baby weight, grow a few inches, or lose the braces. You struggled throughout your high school career to talk to a girl for more than a minute at a time. You spent most of your free time in the first few years of high school sitting in a friend’s basement like the stranger things kids. Eventually, you found alcohol and it likely gave you enough confidence to give some poor girl four pumps and explode in embarrassment. This is probably the age Chris Pratt lost his virginity.


High school didn’t go your way. By the end of senior year, you had all but given up. You probably went to college as far away as possible so you could reinvent your personality. Despite this, you might’ve well have worn a shirt that said, “Virgin and Proud” to orientation week, because everyone already knew. Fortunately for you, there were plenty of girls on campus in the same boat. You botched your chances with a bunch of them, until you found someone just as horny as you to start your career of disappointing women. This is probably the age Michael Cera lost his virginity at.


You probably smoked too much weed to realize how many opportunities you were missing in your youth. At some point in your twenties, you will look inside yourself and feel shame about this. At this point, you will be so in your head about having not had sex, that it will prevent you from being remotely charismatic to a woman. When you finally have sex, it will be utterly accidental, and due to none of your actions. This is probably the age Ben Shapiro lost his virginity. 


You are a method actor, starring in the 2005 Judd Apatow classic, The Forty Year Old Virgin. This is probably the age Steve Carrell lost his virginity. 

total frat move logo

Written by TFM

To comment, fill out your name and email below.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Top Ten Reasons to Get Drunk

Five Signs You’re Becoming Your Father