What the Hell is Wrong with Kanye?

In case you haven’t heard, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are getting divorced, and I think guys everywhere are asking the same question: why the fuck should I care? I too asked myself that question, and in all honesty, the only reason any guy should care at all is that maybe knowing a little bit about the situation will help you in some way to get laid. That line of thinking is a bit of a stretch, but at this moment in time, that’s all I have for you. So, if you want to know what’s going on with all that, just give it a Google search because I’d rather eat the stick of Old Spice Fiji deodorant (highly recommend by the way) that’s sitting on my desk right now than give anyone a detailed rundown of that situation.

Instead, I’d just like to talk about the fact that Kanye West just might be the absolute dumbest person on this planet. I could pretty easily lay into the guy for out of nowhere deciding that he was some kind of Christian prophet up there with Jesus and Moses. Then there’s that time that he said, “Slavery sounds like a choice.” Finally, it would be so easy to just torch the dude for tweeting “BILL COSBY INNOCENT.” All of that stuff has already been covered, though, and honestly, it’s just way too easy to talk about how fucking dumb the guy is for all of that nonsense. I think we need to talk about the new biggest reason that Kanye West is an absolute buffoon: he’s getting divorced by Kim Kardashian, and he doesn’t even seem to be putting up a fight.

Clearly, Kanye West isn’t the perfect human being, but I think we all know that Kim isn’t either. She’s ten times worse than Amy Schumer in my eyes – except for the fact that she is crazy sexy. Billy Madison GIF incoming:

Now obviously she’s about ninety percent silicone or whatever kind of plastic they put in her body to give her such voluptuous features, but that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I think putting up with the god-awful personality she has along with her complete lack of intelligence is a small price to pay for her physical appearance, which is why I have such a problem with Kanye. In my eyes, he should be doing anything and everything to stay with this woman because I’d sell my soul in order to maintain sexual contact with her.

I know I said I wouldn’t give a rundown about their split, and even giving this brief piece of information is making me feel like I have to immediately trade in my sub-par testicles for a pair of ovaries. But I think this one piece of information is completely necessary to the point I’m trying to make: every report I have read says that the split is “amicable.” Are you fucking joking, Kanye? If I were in that man’s shoes, the last thing I’d want people to think is that I’m okay with losing Kim Kardashian. I think the only way I could truly preserve my manhood would be to publicly state that I didn’t want it and that I was fighting to stop it. If he did that, I’d at least be able to give him some credit for recognizing the fantastic life he’s living.

The bottom line is that he isn’t doing that, though, which means that it’s time for a new hero to emerge. Kim Kardashian, I know you’re not reading this, but if you are, this is my official application to be your next husband. I know that my anatomy probably won’t live up to your expectations, but my effort will be unmatched. Forget about Kanye. Give your boy a shot.