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What To Do When The Party Flops

Sometimes parties suck. It’s the truth. No one really talks about it much, but throughout your college experience you will attend several functions that flat out miss the mark. Obviously, the cooler your fraternity is the less times your parties will flop, but even the highest tier frats occasionally host no-shows. While hosting a party with no female guests does in fact hurt your ego, that is nowhere near the worst part. You just downed an entire fifth of Fireball at the pregame for no reason. Now that you’re piss drunk, you’re ready to run through a brick wall, but no one wants to rage in an empty basement. So what does one do? Well, luckily for you my frat botches parties left and right, so I have plenty of experience. Here are four things to do when the party flops.

Vandalism

If you pregamed correctly, you should be blacked. So blacked to the point where all you want is to see the world burn. You know what I mean. Sometimes we drink so much that we turn into villains. I don’t know what it is about alcohol, but it just makes people crave destruction. So if the party sucks and you have nothing else to do, go ahead and treat yourself to a little vandalism. I’m not saying you should commit arson or go hunt homeless people, but maybe if someone is being a little too careless with a dye table you could help teach them a lesson. If you feel evil stealing from others, you could always break your own shit. Obviously you don’t want to destroy anything of value that would cost you money, so try to target items that are indirectly yours. For example, anything in the chapter house is fair game. I’m talking about walls, doors, couches, smoke alarms, anything that will be replaced by nationals next year. Here’s a piece of advice to always keep in mind: fuck the security deposit, it’s already gone anyway. 

Smoke Weed

If you for some reason aren’t in a destructive mood, weed is never a bad go-to. Sometimes when the party sucks all you want to do is sulk. Sure sometimes you’ll be mad and want to break things, but others you just want to take your mind off of how you should have accepted your other bids. If that’s the case, pack yourself a fatty bowl and chop your face off. Not only will you forget about your miserable attempt at a banger, but it will also expand your stomach for comfy food which is a staple of washing away sorrows. 

Gamble

Now that your inhibitions are low, you may as well take advantage of it. Maybe not in the form of dancing and hitting on girls way out of your league, but you could still use your melted brain as an excuse to throw away money. Sometimes all you want to do is chase odds. After losing thousands of dollars in sports betting, you’ve trained yourself to stop live betting underdogs just because a $10 could technically change your life. However, when you’re drunk and in the dumps, you deserve to bet stupidly. So gather some of your boys, turn on Russian table tennis, and put your life savings on the line because tonight is about to be rowdy. A crazy bet could turn the night in a whole new direction. And if you lose, the night was a lost cause anyway.

Go To Other Houses

If your party sucks, that means someone else’s is probably popping. So if you really have a hankering to mosh, go sniff out the banger and sneak in. If the party is big enough, blending in is pretty easy. The hardest part is convincing a pledge at the door that you belong, but odds are throwing out a random name like “Zach” or “Josh” is bound to get you in. At that point, you can either act as you normally would in a social setting or if you’re feeling bold you could fuck shit up. It’s not your house, meaning it’s not your alcohol or responsibility as far as what takes place. So get even more shit faced, pick some fights, and go to the bathroom wherever you please. Get reckless, there aren’t any consequences. 

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Written by Alex Becker

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