Happy Valentine’s day, fellas. So far, I’ve spent $110 on flowers that are already dead, experienced a fourteen-hour ordeal with United Airlines (fuck you United Airlines never again), and made a seven o’clock reservation at a restaurant with entrees I know damn well I won’t be able to pronounce. All this, because big corporations have made it impossible for me to stray from what my girlfriend sees on her Instagram feed.
If you are single on Valentine’s day, God bless you. I can assure you that there’s going to be a lot of pain in my smile for the Instagram story I fire off at seventy-thirty ET tonight. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girlfriend, but I don’t understand why we all decided a long time ago that on February 14th every year, we are okay with spending money we don’t have on the STUPIDEST SHIT in Rite Aid’s for that special someone section. I don’t care that the one-percent has been actively making money off the common man’s pandemic struggles or any of the other shit the woke sixteen-year-old Tik Tok crowd preaches against, Valentine’s Day is the number one thing I hate most about capitalism. There are two bullshit holidays that we celebrate in America: one where anybody whose last name has “Mc” in it gets to blackout without repercussions, and one where I eat so much cheese from a charcuterie board that I’m sitting on the toilet like I just dropped a triple-double.
For the single guys, DO NOT make any rash decisions. Going down a rabbit hole where you end on page four of your ex’s VSCO is not the move today. Today’s move is to celebrate the freedoms the people who are acting way happier than they actually are on social media no longer have. When I’m sitting in that restaurant tonight, struggling with the wine list like a dyslexic third-grader from a broken home, you better be killing some Bud Lite Platinums in my name. And sure, social media is going to make you feel lonely, but you’re forgetting that come a month from now, you are going to be doing Coke in a Senor Frogs bathroom, praying that the bump on your dick is just an ingrown hair. We aren’t in the fourth grade waiting for somebody to give us candy that tastes like chalk to know that we are loved; we’re adults now. Invest in Tinder Gold and DON’T give in to the social media facade.
For the morons like me, can we all agree not to go over the top today? Seriously. I saw my girlfriend glossing over a Snapchat story of a guy making his girlfriend heart-shaped pancakes this morning. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being in love and simping today, but let’s not move the bar here. We all just need to agree on sticking to the basics. Gift, dinner, flowers, ect. I CANNOT have your girlfriend flexing gestures on Instagram that I did not do because then I’m fucked. I understand why you might want to go above and beyond today, but you can’t fuck us over like this. All I’m asking is that you surprise her with the weekend getaway tickets to the Caribbean on Tuesday; I don’t want to be a part of the domino effect that results from your girlfriend’s Instagram story.
PS. Pray for this guy.