What Your Big Ten School Says About You

Ohio State

Both your quality of life and relationship with your father are directly correlated to the success of the football team. Whether you were born into it or joined willingly, you are now a part of a cult that worships a preposition.

Penn State

You live by the motto “it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish.” Sure, maybe you didn’t try at all in high school or your first two years of college, but it’s never too late to be an accountant.


When you’re not busy yelling “go blue” at unsuspecting strangers, you do this thing where you pretend Northwestern doesn’t exist and act like the smartest in the Big Ten.


Crabs were a huge part of your college experience. Both types.


Even you are wondering why you decided to go to this school. The only things somewhat relevant to you are a city three hours away and national treasure Dick Butkus. 

Michigan State

Either scoring a 24 on the ACT wasn’t high enough to get you into Michigan or you’re from out of state and accepted your scholarship before touring campus.


You probably didn’t even know you were in the Big Ten. Why go to football games when you can go to slam poetry open mics instead?


Your father is either a farmer or partner at a law firm. There is no in between.


Two types of people attend IU. Either you’re from Chicago and didn’t get into Northwestern, but were too cool to for Illinois. Or you’re a business major from the northeast, but didn’t get into Ross at Michigan so you had to settle for Kelley. Regardless of why you’re here, you now have a crippling xanax addiction and a Trump/DeSantis 2024 sign on your front lawn.


You’re one of the smartest people from Indiana, but that’s not really saying much.


You aren’t nearly as stupid as people think you are, in fact, you’re actually pretty smart. Too bad you’re stuck in New Jersey. Gross!


You are either from Minnesota or refuse to associate with anyone from Minnesota. If you are from in-state, you’re probably an Uber driver “known for great conversation.” 


You are exceptionally good at cornhole and have managed to teach your pet pig how to drive a tractor. You don’t go anywhere without your viper sunglasses and are extremely into moms.


There are three certainties if you attend the University of Iowa: you are white, not afraid to get your hands dirty, and have never been on an airplane.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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