What Your Birth Month Says About You

Before any of you jump to conclusions, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with that astrology crap. I do not believe in that whatsoever. Die-hard astrologists are either stoners with tapestries all over their rooms or are dating said stoners. This list is based solely on personal experience, but I feel as though my generalizations are pretty accurate to what everyone else experiences as well. So, without further ado, here is what your birth month says about you:


In the month that follows Christmas and New Year’s Eve, January is often cold and depressing. Just like the month itself, people born in January tend to be the complete opposite of the “life of the party”. Also, Ellen DeGeneres was born in January, which automatically ruins the reputation of everyone else.


February is a weird month. A twenty-eight-day month is unique enough, but then some years it’s twenty-nine? I can’t keep up. People born in February are also very weird – but just in different ways. Michael Jordan (February 17th) is truly one-of-a-kind, his lifestyle maybe even considered “weird” by others. On the flip side, your freshman-year roommate who ate pencil shavings was also born in February. 


This might come off as somewhat cliche, but every single person I’ve ever met with a March birthday consistently has insane luck. They might be the laziest person you’ve ever met but somehow will do better than you in just about everything, simply because the gods seem to be on their side. Also, having a birthday in the same month as March Madness is all the luck you really need in life. 


People born in April are superior to everyone else with a different birth month. April girls are always smoking hot and April dudes are just flat-out studs. Was I born in April? Yes. Am I wrong in anything I just said? Not at all. 


May birthdays are usually super laid-back people that everyone enjoys being around. Maybe it’s because May marks the beginning of summer or because Cinco de Mayo is the greatest holiday of all time, but if you have beef with someone that has a May birthday, you’re likely the problem. 


June birthdays are generally spiteful and aggressive people, which probably stems from the fact that they never got a class birthday celebration during the school year. If you find yourself married to a person born in June, I’d bite the bullet and start looking for divorce lawyers now. 


I honestly don’t think I’ve ever met anyone born in July (except America). Do they even exist? I’m like ninety-five percent sure that they don’t. 


People born in August have a solid mix of May and June personalities. They’re amazing to be around, but if you mess with them in any way, shape, or form, you might wake up without your balls one morning. Stay on their good side and August people will be your best of friends. 


I wouldn’t say that I hate all people born in September, but they definitely aren’t my favorite either. September birthdays are the type of people to Venmo request you $1.37 for the Uber you took with them to the bar the night prior. Sure, you’ll still hang out with September people, but the stinginess at times makes you wish there were only eleven months. 


October birthdays are – for a lack of better words – flashy. While they aren’t quite spoiled, they definitely have high expectations for themselves and everything around them. People born in October are the ones to take three obnoxiously long showers a day without even leaving the house, but that really isn’t that bad of a quality to have if you’re just trying to hook up with them. 


I’m not that big of a Thanksgiving guy, but I won’t deny that November is just an awesome month. The same goes for everyone born in November. When you have a month that both Bill Nye and Leonardo DiCaprio were born in, everyone else that follows is bound for greatness (Forgive Miley Cyrus, one bad apple shouldn’t ruin the whole batch). 


If there was a “pick-me” month, it would be December. No matter who you are, your birthday will never make people more excited than they are for Christmas. But, the December birthdays don’t go down without a fight, ensuring they receive all possible attention from other people. If you’re reading this right now and have a December birthday, I wouldn’t be surprised if you went on Facebook and posted a ridiculous paragraph about how this list is “judgy” and “insensitive”. 

Once again, this list was a generalization based on my own experiences, so I apologize to any of the unlucky March people or July birthdays that actually exist. But, being an April birthday, I know deep down that I am correct in every part of this list.

Written by the godfather

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