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What Your College Says About You

Alabama: if you’re a girl, we can joke around all we want, but at the end of the day, I’m just jealous I don’t have a jeep. Back when you had to wear a mask, it was the color of a pumpkin when you took it off. If you’re a guy, odds are you’re a pretty cool kid even though your hometown friends got to the point where they actually had to sit you down because of the amount you talked about your fraternity your first summer home from school. Also, your girlfriend’s Mom is hot.

Tulane: You’ve fallen on your ass, slipping on whippets at least once. Often you reach this level of intoxication and dehydration at the boot that the entire night feels like a drug-fueled mirage. If you’re a guy, you have an abyss of jerseys you’ve purchased from China that is so deep that if you donated them to Africa half, the continent would be mistaken for a relatively lanky Sigma Chi. If you’re a girl, you’ve got through a fishnet phase or you’re about to enter one.

Boulder: At least one person from your freshman year friend group had to leave school to “take a break” for a little while. You’re so good at beer dye that sometimes when you lay in bed at night, you get a little butthurt that it is not, in fact, an Olympic sport. If you were an author, your name would be JK Rowling Face. If you’re a girl, you’re a neon top while at a darty person, or you hate neon top at the darty people.

TCU: You know at least five kids from California that you hate and three that you love. The only thing that brings you more joy than a greeting from Cindy at the Blue is Halloweekend. You’ve walked to Chic Fil A on Sunday and felt about as stupid as a certain person that left a certain incriminating laptop at a certain computer repair shop in Wilmington, Delaware. If you’re a girl, you either love drugs and fashion or country music and god. There are some of you in between.

South Carolina: You’ve gotten into a physical altercation with at least one person from New Jersey, whether you’re from there or not. You’ve looked like a clown multiple times because you’ve had optimism about a football program that disappoints worse than Frank Gallagher does as a Father. The chillest guy you know where’s beat-up pair of white sneakers that have underwent a reverse Sammy Sosa. You wish five points was as good as it once was.

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