What Your College Says About You

Syracuse: if you’re a girl, you met your best friends at camp, between the fact that you live in Xanax riddled Siberia and your basketball team has been trash, Winter is a depressing time where you don’t feel like getting out of bed, and your champion sweatshirt collection goes harder than a dyslexic person taking the SATs

Michigan: You’re from a town where white women called Target “tar-jee,” if you’re a girl, your charcuterie board game is insane, and you have at least two Instagram pictures holding a Natty Light and wearing a hockey jersey.

SMU: Of your two closest friends, one of their Moms drives a G-wagon, you’ve overheard a girl having an existential crisis about hitting the slopes post-nose-job, and the day the government banned flavored pods was your personal Afghanistan.

Penn State: Freshman year, you went home with a girl who had a tapestry over her bed, you’ve obtained at least one high-grade sprain from slipping drunk on black ice, and the Instagram stories of people you follow are just guys posting sports, infographics, and birthdays.

Wisconsin: half of your pictures from college were taken on a lake, you’re freaking out over where you want to move post-grad because you now have friends from everywhere, and every backpack you own has at least two empty cans of zyn

UGA: half of your friend group has a 2011 Justin Bieber haircut, you’ve made at least two Uber drivers question whether or not life was worth living, and you have arguably the best Spotify playlists in the country

U Tampa: your undergrad experience should have been sponsored by Kind Pen, you know at least one person who has ODed, and you miss home even though you don’t agree with all of home’s politics

UT Austin: you’ve felt deep shame by getting a little too cocky on Twitter before a football game was over, all your water cups used to serve Margaritas at the restaurant you took them from, and you’ve had a conversation with a homeless guy that at the moment you thought would change your perception of life, but you didn’t remember it the next morning.