Despite a few cases of these apps actually working out, the rest of you failures can pretty much get categorized into the various groups that exist on these dating apps. If you’re one of the people that did find love on a dating app, congratulations. No one believes you when you tell people it was through mutual friends, and they especially don’t believe you when you tell them that despite massive failure by most other people who met online, you guys are way different.
One result of you being on Tinder is that you’re completely new to the world of dating apps. Whether it’s stemming from a desire be a promiscuous harlot and lie about your age, catfishing college students into Snapchatting sixteen-year-olds or caused by the termination of a relationship that leaves you thirstier for attention than a poor Somalian child is for water, Tinder is usually the first dating app people jump onto, which means that many of its users are new to the social complexities of politely letting a girl know that you want her to sit on your face.
If you’re continuously using Tinder after successfully meeting up with a bunch of people to practice reproduction, it means you’ve turned yourself into a bit of a Tinder Tramp. You’ve tapped the societally appropriate keg of available females, and you’re now branching out into different kegs, filled with beer that you wouldn’t normally drink. You comfort the fact that you now feel like a real hussy by telling yourself that eventually one of these pump and dump connections will turn into something more meaningful.
If you didn’t find success on Tinder after joining, you may move into a more fun-filled relationship with an app that was probably designed more for prostitution than anything else. This means trolling innocent users of the app looking for real connection by matching with people and sending them messages like, “I want to lose weight by dumping a few ounces on you,” just to see how far you can get.
If you’re a guy on Bumble, it’s time to be honest with yourself. You spent six months or a year on Tinder, and maybe you shot your shot with a girl that was so hot you couldn’t believe that she swiped right on you. Maybe there were a few times that a girl even messaged you first and you found small amounts of victory along your journey. At the end of the day, though, you spend most of your time on Tinder getting rizz-related stagefright, so you’ve switched to an app that forces females to come to you.
You probably had one too many bad experiences with a troll on Tinder. You know that guys are way less likely to match with you and tell you that they want to be suffocated by your thighs on Bumble, so you made the switch to avoid that (and possibly the always shocking occasional sword selfie). It’s either that being the first one to send a message on Tinder started making you feel bad when the girl in your sorority who got a boob job at age nineteen made you feel so bad that you had to switch to a dating app that would justify it.
There’s a section of Hinge that’s filled with liars – not the psychopathic, chop you up into pieces when you meet in that part of town with all the car jackings kind of liars. These people are lying to themselves. Because they’ve had zero success on any of the other dating apps out there, they’re telling themselves that it’s because no one on those other ones is looking for a relationship. They aren’t looking for one either, but after the realization that the only way they’ll be able to find a hookup is with a black market drug purchase and a major felony, they decided they were better off just going with a search for something more long term.
The Matured Ones
If you’re on Hinge and you’re not lying to yourself, it probably means you’ve bought into the idea that you can really stop going on other dating apps just by using Hinge. These are the same kinds of people that send money to Nigerian princes in desperate need of help just out of the kindness of their hearts. Well, either that or they’ve floozed around too much on all the other ones, Hinge is now their only option.
You’re either gay or extremely confused about which dating app you’re supposed to be using.